bachelor pad recap: my brain hurts from all this schemin’

Where it all went downhill

(Apologies for the delay but like fine wine, an episode of The Bachelor Pad just gets better with age.)

The episode practically opens with everyone’s favorite creepy pretend couple, Elizabeth and Jesse. But it turns out that now, according to the byline at the bottom of the tv screen, he is to go by “Kovacs”. I’m stabbing my eyeballs.

And when Natalie was making out with Jesse B, I kept wondering how she got him. He is so hot and his heavy breathing did nothing to alleviate my impure thoughts.

Peyton: “it could totally all just go bananas”- where is her accent from? I definitely don’t use the word Bananas enough to mean crazeballs shit goin’ down. Duly noted.

And we’re talkin’ cliques. Yawn.

Pie Eating Contest

Most dramatic pie-eating music ever.

And then Krisily has to discuss her absent gallbladder. CAN’T DIGEST FAT? Um, can someone take my gallbladder, please?

This competition makes me want to vomit. Where is the irreverence from Stand By Me‘s pie eating puking scene when you need it?

Wait, it’s not fair they’re allowed to puke. These are girls seasoned in bulimia. They totally have the edge.

Everyone keeps talking about the big men winning. Haven’t these losers ever heard of wee Kobayashi of Coney Island hot dog eating fame?

I felt bad when Weatherman won… no one is going to want to go on a date with him.

I mean, I would.

Weatherman’s Date

I like that he said, “this is business”. But then later he tries to get his business on with Gwen who said, in an on camera confessional, “it’s not going to happen in a million years.” Way to unnecessarily diss Jonathan, old hag. Apparently tennis and Positano, Italy were not enough to seal the deal.

Also, body painting is boring.

But ‘Speedo the Sequel’ is funny.

Back at the Ranch

There is a hot tub scene.

Krisily is complaining about something. Bitches without gallbladders always get the shaft.

All of the sudden this show has devolved into a separation of the Cool Kids/Insiders and the Outsiders (or as Weatherman naturally calls them, Outliers. Professional hazard.)

Has anyone stopped to puzzle over how Tenley, she of rainbows and private ballet dances, is one of the “cool kids” and a hot lingerie model who dated a former Yankee is an “outsider”?” Yeah, I don’t get it either. I wish I went to this high school.

Crazeballs Elizabeth then shoots daggers out of her eyes and declares to Ashleigh “You deceive the trust of your own…” What clan is she from?

Gia’s Date

I love this Survivor shit. Gia is the smartest lingerie model ever. This show is actually getting interesting.

Ranch interlude

Watching “Kovacs” and Elizabeth make out in the hot tub and then knock boots in the shower made me feel like I needed a shower and some bleach.

Gia’s date again

Wes’ new personality is intriguing. It’s interesting watching some of these former bad guys, like Craig, chill a little.

I have always wanted henna and those kids threw their chance away. Hearts?? An entire subcontinent is shamed.

After all her convincing shenanigans, WHY DID GIA NOT GIVE THE ROSE TO CRAIG? She gave her word to him. That didn’t even make sense after all her scheming. Ugh.

More Scheming at the Ranch

Is it prostitution if Jessie makes out with David to get his support towards the $250,000?

Whoa Jesse likes Gia better than Natalie. He actually said that the girl who has a boyfriend is more girlfriend material than the flirt.

Jesse confronts Natalie about what, actually? Being a slut? Since when is that a crime? Guilty as charged, Officer.

Gia, Queen of the Outsiders, has A Plan.

Why Kiptyn? Can someone please put me out of my misery and get rid of “Kovacs”?

Chris Harrison breaking out with a purple polka dot tie and black & white check shirt. Yeeeeah.

Melissa Rycroft Strickland is barely on this show.

These are the most attractive Outsiders in the history of Outsiders.

Plans goes awry when

Kiptyn takes advantage of Nikki with her under-chin fat and grumpy ‘tude.

Dramatic monologue by Nikki being the swing vote blah blah blah.

Rose Ceremony

Can we talk about Natalie’s tutu?

What is with the mouthing of “thank yous”??

NIKKI, YOU WENCH. Enjoy your morality while Kiptyn pretend makes out with Tenley.

This show ties my stomach up in knots.

Best promos ever

Natalie: “I would make out with every guy in this house for $20.”

Wes singing “You say, love… it don’t come eeeeeasssssy” to Gia = really?

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