What is this bizarro show? Is it The Bachelor/ette? Survivor? Big Brother? Real World/Road Rules Challenge? I know one thing it is: Blog-worthy.
Squeal squeal, it’s time for the limo entrances. I wonder if these were necessary or if we’re ever going to have to see them replayed set to music in some meaningful retrospective montage. I doubt it. I do wish there was a little more background on the peeps and the context of why each was well-known in their respective seasons. Also, and it must be said and I might as well say it now, this cast is pretty dull. If the crazies keep getting voted off, we’re left with Tenley who shits rainbows (Thanks, Vienna, for your greatest contribution to mankind) and Kiptyn who is so nice that I am falling asleep just thinking about it. Oh well.
In order of appearance:
Tenley – She reminds America that her husband cheated on her. Can her ex please get a lawyer and sue for defamation already?
Jesse B – Still hot, still dumb and lacking in basic conversation abilities and had the nerve to refer to Gwen as a “mom” figure.
Natalie – Annoying, skinny, fake blonde who I will always know as the girl in Jason Mesnick’s season who said “I like bears.” Why is she best friends with every guy in the house? Why does she do those cruises? These people are so lame.
David – Man Code guy also mentioned Gwen seemed older. Poor Gwen.
Gwen – Old. (Apparently.)
Jessie – Her body just won’t quit. Also, she is friends with everyone in Canada.
Weatherman – Love him. LOVE HIM. His eyebrows have their own expressions and he’s hilarious.
Nikki – This chick will be interesting to watch this season. What’s her deal? Why is she always brooding? Why did Juan trick her in some past liaison?
Wes – This guy is a great villain and I like that he’s around. He is like a throwback to the schemers from Survivor’s early days that were so fun to watch.
Krisily – Who? Why?
Elizabeth – Pretty and blonde and therefore it took my mom and I a little while to realize she was the crazeballs brunette from Jake’s season who tried to manipulate him into not-kissing but kissing her.
Jesse K – Had the terrible, regrettable misfortune of getting involved with Elizabeth before the show started filming.
Kiptyn – Nice guy and wasn’t allowed to say a word on camera the entire episode.
Ashley – Annoying.
Peyton – Who? What? Why? Where? When?
Michelle – You can’t hide crazy.
Gia – Has a boyfriend. Lame. Why is she on the show?
Craig M – His bouffant hair makes me despondent.
These people are all juvenile. Melissa Rycroft Stickland aka Not-Mrs. Mesnick seems like a boring co-host to me. Chris Harrison, why are you diluting your brand?
The Weatherman says something about how he can hook up with some of the girls and his brain is eating itself. I would hook up with the guy. He’s funny as all get out. But I feel bad he actually thinks he has a chance of getting tail in this house of silicone and eating disorders.
Right from the get-go we have to learn how base and awful this show really is. A bunch of skin and breasts and perfect asses hanging everywhere for the men to stare up and now. Fine, ABC. we get it. I just feel like maybe it would have fun if the first challenge was like Sudoku or something.
Tenley is flexible. Crazy. And apparently dyslexic about feet.
Why does Elizabeth have to avenge Craig on Weatherman’s behalf? Why does Craig look so much better with wet hair? Why is Weatherman so hilar? Says he: “When Craig won the competition I knew there was no god.”
Ashley does a bunch of boring recaps. Apparently Craig and Michelle may have been slurping each other in the night. Someone I believe mentions the past tense verb “boned” and at this point in the episode I perk up. Is this on network tv?
I wonder if Jessie knew you were supposed to bring the date card in the room, not the entire date card accent table.
He chooses Jessie who he promised he would. Gwen which I thought was nice of him. And Elizabeth who has bionically white teeth.
Back at the ranch
Jesse Kovacs lets the boys know that “lying and deceiving are [his] middle name.” Which should bode well for the Glenn Close stalker character he hooked up pre-show and the fact that he is trying to make a living in a dignified sphere of the universe.
Juan, in what may be the most intelligent sentiment ever uttered on this show and by him a human being, states: “If I had to choose between the love of my life and the money, I would take the money and run.” Yes, yes, yes. Plus, if your full-time job is trying to get reality show gigs and appearance fees for being a reality tv whore, you need all the income you can get. Where is Beth from Real World Season 1? Doesn’t she have bills to pay and always turn up at these things?
Natalie says “Jesse B is exactly my type.” Hopefully he likes bears too. Although admittedly, and I think my mouth might start bleeding if I admit this, they are cute together.
Craig & Jessie’s “Date”
Private concert by some yahoo no one has ever heard of. And there was as much sexual chemistry between Craig and Jessie dancing as two Drosophila could muster before mating for procreation and then dying.
Plus, I agree it’s lame that Gwen and Elizabeth had to get all dolled up for nothing. That doesn’t seem like an interesting show twist, but rather sloppy, rushed planning and editing by ABC. Who wants to get in the hot tub after caking on so much foundation? Rhetorical question as I know the answer is “every girl on this show.”
Back at the house
Elizabeth threatens Jesse K in a twisted, manipulative plot so devious and confusion that my mom and I had to discuss it out loud to figure it out. I think it goes like this but correct me if wrong:
Elizabeth is in love with Jesse
Elizabeth feels love when she kisses Jesse
Elizabeth tells Jesse she is in love with him every third sentence
Elizabeth acknowledges that Jesse does not love her back then begging the question why she is still pursuing it
And then you realize she the most dangerously insane person to ever be on this franchise and it all makes sense
Elizabeth tells Jesse that he needs to be physically affectionate and act in love with her, even if he fakes it, so the other girls do not get mad and vilify him for not appropriately being in love with his stalker.
I respect that new level of crazy: giving a guy an ultimatum for not having sex with you. Is that actually legal? I am no lawyer (oh wait, I am) but my mother was throwing around the word Blackmail.
Michelle apparently scared Tenley in the bathroom. Now that’s just not a fair combo because while, yes Michelle is creepy, Tenley is not a real human person. She is a robot fueled by glitter, popsicles and deep disturbing malevolent seething hatred for her cheating no-good ex.
The gossip mill on this show puts 7th graders to shame. These people will have to live with this display for all time. Sigh.
Nikki is crazy. Krisily’s expressive eyebrows are annoying. Natalie is inexplicably best friends with Dave. She even votes Juan off because of “what he did to Nikki.” Yeah, I am sure it wasn’t that David’s mission on the Jillian season wasn’t to murder and cannibalize Juan at any given opportunity.
How come anytime Jesse K. has his private, one-on-one camera recaps he has a full beard? There is some shady distortions of chronology on this show. I don’t know why I put up with it. Curses, ABC, curses.
Rose Ceremony (not the most dramatic ever apparently)
How much does Melissa Rycroft Strickland get paid for handing out roses?
Why does every person mouth “thank you” to some one else after they get a rose? This is weird.
And then, Michelle and Juan are out. Thereby immediately reducing the potential excitement of all future plot lines. Jonathan the Weatherman closes it with “there weren’t enough roses for all Michelle’s personalities” and I can lay my head on my pillow with a smile, dreaming of that funny, short, guitar-playing whackadoo.
Jk. I am busy watching Dating in the Dark.