bachelor pad recap: i would slum it for $250K too

Good, wholesome entertainment for the whole family.

What is this bizarro show? Is it The Bachelor/ette? Survivor? Big Brother? Real World/Road Rules Challenge? I know one thing it is: Blog-worthy. 

Squeal squeal, it’s time for the limo entrances. I wonder if these were necessary or if we’re ever going to have to see them replayed set to music in some meaningful retrospective montage. I doubt it. I do wish there was a little more background on the peeps and the context of why each was well-known in their respective seasons. Also, and it must be said and I might as well say it now, this cast is pretty dull. If the crazies keep getting voted off, we’re left with Tenley who shits rainbows (Thanks, Vienna, for your greatest contribution to mankind) and Kiptyn who is so nice that I am falling asleep just thinking about it. Oh well. 

In order of appearance:

Tenley – She reminds America that her husband cheated on her. Can her ex please get a lawyer and sue for defamation already? 

Jesse B – Still hot, still dumb and lacking in basic conversation abilities and had the nerve to refer to Gwen as a “mom” figure. 

Natalie – Annoying, skinny, fake blonde who I will always know as the girl in Jason Mesnick’s season who said “I like bears.” Why is she best friends with every guy in the house? Why does she do those cruises? These people are so lame. 

David – Man Code guy also mentioned Gwen seemed older. Poor Gwen. 

Gwen – Old. (Apparently.) 

Jessie – Her body just won’t quit. Also, she is friends with everyone in Canada. 

Weatherman – Love him. LOVE HIM. His eyebrows have their own expressions and he’s hilarious. 

Nikki – This chick will be interesting to watch this season. What’s her deal? Why is she always brooding? Why did Juan trick her in some past liaison? 

Wes – This guy is a great villain and I like that he’s around. He is like a throwback to the schemers from Survivor’s early days that were so fun to watch. 

Krisily – Who? Why? 

Elizabeth – Pretty and blonde and therefore it took my mom and I a little while to realize she was the crazeballs brunette from Jake’s season who tried to manipulate him into not-kissing but kissing her. 

Jesse K – Had the terrible, regrettable misfortune of getting involved with Elizabeth before the show started filming. 

Kiptyn – Nice guy and wasn’t allowed to say a word on camera the entire episode. 

Ashley – Annoying. 

Peyton – Who? What? Why? Where? When? 

Michelle – You can’t hide crazy. 

Gia – Has a boyfriend. Lame. Why is she on the show? 

Craig M – His bouffant hair makes me despondent. 

These people are all juvenile. Melissa Rycroft Stickland aka Not-Mrs. Mesnick seems like a boring co-host to me. Chris Harrison, why are you diluting your brand? 

The Weatherman says something about how he can hook up with some of the girls and his brain is eating itself. I would hook up with the guy. He’s funny as all get out. But I feel bad he actually thinks he has a chance of getting tail in this house of silicone and eating disorders. 

Twister

Right from the get-go we have to learn how base and awful this show really is. A bunch of skin and breasts and perfect asses hanging everywhere for the men to stare up and now. Fine, ABC. we get it. I just feel like maybe it would have fun if the first challenge was like Sudoku or something. 

Tenley is flexible. Crazy. And apparently dyslexic about feet. 

Why does Elizabeth have to avenge Craig on Weatherman’s behalf? Why does Craig look so much better with wet hair? Why is Weatherman so hilar? Says he: “When Craig won the competition I knew there was no god.” 

Misc

Ashley does a bunch of boring recaps. Apparently Craig and Michelle may have been slurping each other in the night. Someone I believe mentions the past tense verb “boned” and at this point in the episode I perk up. Is this on network tv? 

I wonder if Jessie knew you were supposed to bring the date card in the room, not the entire date card accent table. 

Craig’s date

He chooses Jessie who he promised he would. Gwen which I thought was nice of him. And Elizabeth who has bionically white teeth. 

Back at the ranch

Jesse Kovacs lets the boys know that “lying and deceiving are [his] middle name.” Which should bode well for the Glenn Close stalker character he hooked up pre-show and the fact that he is trying to make a living in a dignified sphere of the universe

Juan, in what may be the most intelligent sentiment ever uttered on this show and by him a human being, states: “If I had to choose between the love of my life and the money, I would take the money and run.” Yes, yes, yes. Plus, if your full-time job is trying to get reality show gigs and appearance fees for being a reality tv whore, you need all the income you can get. Where is Beth from Real World Season 1? Doesn’t she have bills to pay and always turn up at these things? 

Natalie says “Jesse B is exactly my type.” Hopefully he likes bears too. Although admittedly, and I think my mouth might start bleeding if I admit this, they are cute together. 

Craig & Jessie’s “Date”

Private concert by some yahoo no one has ever heard of. And there was as much sexual chemistry between Craig and Jessie dancing as two Drosophila could muster before mating for procreation and then dying. 

Plus, I agree it’s lame that Gwen and Elizabeth had to get all dolled up for nothing. That doesn’t seem like an interesting show twist, but rather sloppy, rushed planning and editing by ABC. Who wants to get in the hot tub after caking on so much foundation? Rhetorical question as I know the answer is “every girl on this show.” 

Back at the house

Elizabeth threatens Jesse K in a twisted, manipulative plot so devious and confusion that my mom and I had to discuss it out loud to figure it out. I think it goes like this but correct me if wrong: 

Elizabeth is in love with Jesse 

Elizabeth feels love when she kisses Jesse 

Elizabeth tells Jesse she is in love with him every third sentence 

Elizabeth acknowledges that Jesse does not love her back then begging the question why she is still pursuing it 

And then you realize she the most dangerously insane person to ever be on this franchise and it all makes sense 

Elizabeth tells Jesse that he needs to be physically affectionate and act in love with her, even if he fakes it, so the other girls do not get mad and vilify him for not appropriately being in love with his stalker. 

I respect that new level of crazy: giving a guy an ultimatum for not having sex with you. Is that actually legal? I am no lawyer (oh wait, I am) but my mother was throwing around the word Blackmail. 

Michelle apparently scared Tenley in the bathroom. Now that’s just not a fair combo because while, yes Michelle is creepy, Tenley is not a real human person. She is a robot fueled by glitter, popsicles and deep disturbing malevolent seething hatred for her cheating no-good ex. 

The gossip mill on this show puts 7th graders to shame. These people will have to live with this display for all time. Sigh. 

Nikki is crazy. Krisily’s expressive eyebrows are annoying. Natalie is inexplicably best friends with Dave. She even votes Juan off because of “what he did to Nikki.” Yeah, I am sure it wasn’t that David’s mission on the Jillian season wasn’t to murder and cannibalize Juan at any given opportunity. 

How come anytime Jesse K. has his private, one-on-one camera recaps he has a full beard? There is some shady distortions of chronology on this show. I don’t know why I put up with it. Curses, ABC, curses. 

Rose Ceremony (not the most dramatic ever apparently)

How much does Melissa Rycroft Strickland get paid for handing out roses? 

Why does every person mouth “thank you” to some one else after they get a rose? This is weird. 

And then, Michelle and Juan are out. Thereby immediately reducing the potential excitement of all future plot lines. Jonathan the Weatherman closes it with “there weren’t enough roses for all Michelle’s personalities” and I can lay my head on my pillow with a smile, dreaming of that funny, short, guitar-playing whackadoo. 

Jk. I am busy watching Dating in the Dark.

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4 Comments

Filed under bachelor pad recap

4 responses to “bachelor pad recap: i would slum it for $250K too

  1. Rebecca

    sigh. Can we please bring back a show with integrity and morals that we can feel good about watching, like the Bachelorette?

    Anyway, Bachelor Pad was fun and will be a good filler show until the next Bachelor comes along and we can get back to the serious business of finding true everlasting love. I have to say that the women on this show bug the everloving life out of me. In particular, Elizabeth and Tenley. Elizabeth is absolutely crazy and as annoying as ever.

    Of course Chris Harrison said “journey” in the first 5 minutes of the show.

    Should we drink every time Tenley mentions her exhusband?

    As for the men….

    Jesse makes me drool. Too bad he’s being boring and romantic right now.

    I can’t decide how I feel about my former crush bad boy David. He actually seemed decent last night, no? Will have to come back to that.

    Where did Kovacs and Kiptyn come from? I must not have been paying close enough attention in past episodes. HELLO. Sign me up.

    Yael, I totally thought Craig M looked better with wet hair too. And I was happy to see Weatherman.
    And I too was PO’d that some people on the show aren’t single. JINX JINX.

    Anyway I am really not sure how I feel about this show. Obviously there is always a question as to anyone’s true intentions in the Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes but this show almost seems to border on gross – I don’t think either Elizabeth or Jesse had ANY interest in Craig M yet I bet they both would have made out with him for the rose/a shot at the $250,000. That’s just gross to me…and weird. And I agree there was zero chemistry between any of the people on that date which made it even less interesting to watch.

    • yael

      I totally missed when Chris Harrison said Journey. Ridic.

      I laughed to read that you don’t remember Kovacs and Kiptyn. I think Kiptyn was one of the final two before Jillian ultimately picked Ed. And Kovacs was in the final four I think- I remember he had a hometown visit at his family’s vineyard and his bro was a long-haired crazy person. I am just happy that you get their eye candyness now : )

  2. Amy

    I’m embarrassed at my level of enjoyment watching last night’s episode. There are so many crazies, I’m not sure if there are any left for future shows. This may be a one time event.

    I totally agree with Yael’s assessment of the contestants. I was also equally perplexed with Elizabeth’s subterfuge. She annoyed me (as she did in Jake’s season), but I also spent a lot of mental energy trying to figure out what she was plotting and how complicit Jesse was in the plan.

    A few other observations in no particular order:

    — Did anyone notice how fast the first town car made its entrance? I think Tenley must have gotten a bit of whiplash.

    –I am ready to admit that Weatherman has really grown on me. The show would not have been as funny without his side interviews and snarky comments. I also cannot believe that I am glad that Wes is back.

    –Gwen has had some serious plastic surgery on her face. I also love that ABC put “??” for her age. However, I worry that she is still younger than I am.

    –I was a bit surprised and offended by Craig’s crotch grab during the house tour. Really ABC? I didn’t need to see that.

    –My favorite line of the night was Kovack’s “Single and Ready to Mingle!” I will completely get on board if he dumps Elizabeth at some point during the season.

    –There have been 14 seasons of the Bachelor, and six seasons of the Bachelorette. With 25 contestants per show, that is 500 “alumni” contestants, give or take a few. That’s a graduating class from a small university. I just don’t know what to think about that. It apparently is good for the cruise lines.

    • yael

      I am so grateful you did the math for me. Now that I know there is a pool of 500 potential people to populate this house of sin with, I am wondering how some of these D-listers made it. Where is the girl from Jason’s season that had the Vision Board??

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