bachelorette recap: even my cold cynic’s heart has thawed

I am sweaty, your dress is ugly, Will you salsa dance with me forever?

I suppose there was no way this finale could be a train wreck. That would have required a visit from Frank and then maybe another sit-down with Jake and Vienna on a catamaran throwing live stingrays at one another. No… Ali, for all her quirks and constant gym hair, had a goal to find love and refused to totally play the ABC game and lead anyone on. I begrudgingly give her credit for that. Begrudgingly because damn she still irritates me.

Can we suffer through a recap? I think her atrocious ensembles demand it.

Opening montage of scenes past

I am fast forwarding. Too much, ABC. Too much.

Then Chris Harrison’s voiceover: “an unforgettable season finale of The Bachelorette” which meant I immediately determined the finale would be totally bad and forgettable. I hate being wrong.

Bora Bora

Crystal aqua water? Check.

Powdery white sand? Check.

Sweeping vistas? Check.

Annoying sequence where Ali reminisces? Unfortunately.

The scene opens to Ali slicing through the water dramatically poised atop a catamaran wrapped in a red/orange (my Slingbox is not perfect on color) wrap and looking very serious. She talks about this as the most difficult and challenging journey of her life. I wish I had set my timer for first Journey mention.

Then it’s time, way too early IMHO, for some serious foreshadowing. Ali wonders aloud if Roberto is “too good to be true” and says she knew after their overnight date when she woke up she was “falling in love with him.” She has never spoken that way about any of the other guys.

Then it gets worse when pondering over Chris, she narrates “friends that are just starting to fall… all my relationships started out as friends.” Ruh roh. Never good to compare a potential soul mate to all your failed relationships. Also Ali said “I cherish my time with Chris.” Cherish is the word people use on this show to mean not-love.

Then I just hear a bunch of words, like

MASSACHUSETTS (That state Chamber of Commerce should seriously thank this show)

JOURNEY

JOURNEY

Then the camera pans an upward shot of Ali, seriously poised in thought against a tree with a flower in her hair (Frank, you cannot take hair flowers away from Ali!) and the camera moves a bit too slowly for my taste over her ample and brown bikini-clad bosom. But look, if it gets the husbands and boyfriends to watch the show, so be it.

Roberto and Ali’s family

Roberto is wearing a long-sleeve (??) plaid shirt. Plaid is having an amazing run lately on this show. H&M must have gotten the memo because my butt chin-less, less sweaty and less-Latin looking hunk recently bought himself four, YES FOUR, new plaid shirts from there.

Then somewhere someone says “here for the right reasons” and I start to worry that I will not make it through the two hours.

We meet Ali’s family and I confess I have so many thoughts about them, I haven’t quite worked through them all or what they mean. So here is my stream of consciousness:

  • Ali does her crazeballs laugh before she even sees her family
  • her dad looks like a nice cartoon character
  • her sister Raya secretly resents the crap out of Ali for being skinnier and blonder
  • these people love the Red Sox
  • Raya pronounces Roberto as “Ro-bear-toe” and although I have a feeling that’s probably the most accurate pronunciation of his name, it is hilarious and awful every time she says it
  • I am trying to figure out weird brother Mike’s shit-eating grin… I think it means “I got flown to Bora Bora and am sitting and talking to a hot Latin baseball player. Not that I am gay. But he is hot.”

I hate how un-organic the family interviews are. These each started especially stilted. Was there a clipboard somewhere I couldn’t see? I did think it was sweet though that Ro-bear-toe asked mom Beth what he could do to always keep her daughter happy (the skinny, blonde one that is). Then Beth busts out some Spanish which I could only understand as Corazón and which, bless his heart, Roberto listened to with a straight face.

These guys get all traditional and insist only the dad’s blessing for a proposal matters when asking permission. I have to pick my battles so fine, whatever, fine. I will give cartoon dad credit. He really just wanted to know if Roberto loved Ali. I think that was right and to the point.

It’s at this point in the episode that my mind begins to wander and I imagine what my family would be like in this position- hanging out over a vista of Bora Bora analyzing my potential future husband. Many scenarios come to mind but all of them make me feel awkward. Props then to all the people who do this.

Ali is ALL over Roberto. She is looking so moony after him as he walks away. All of the sudden I am involuntarily on Team Roberto. I don’t have a black, ice cold, dead heart!  Might as well end the season here.

Chris and Ali’s family

After watching Ali stare after Ro-bear-toe as he walked away, I feel for Chris because I know he is probably a goner but still has to go through the motions of a family audition and date and blah blah blah. Then again, ABC has tricked me before.

Ali has gym hair.

I like that Chris is 33. Makes him infinitely hotter.

The hotness quotient goes up a notch when I hear he used to be a math teacher. Is it weird that that news alone would get me in to bed with a guy?

WOW THE SISTER IS EXCITED ABOUT MASSACHUSETTS. Go Massachusetts! It’s not one of those states that is known for inspiring die-hard loyalty, like Texas or New York, but I’ll take it!

Dad gets up to propose a toast and it all starts clicking. Massachusetts. Nurses. Teachers. Born in Montreal. These crazy kids have so much in common with their families. I know where this is heading.

Someone brings up the Dead Mom. The Dead Mom used to work the night shift. She really might be a saint.

RED SOX.

Is Ali adopted? Her sis and bro look like the dad. Faye says maybe the sis and bro are twins. Good eye, good eye. There is a weird family dynamic I can’t put my finger on.

Chris is not as smooth as Roberto. Also I can’t watch him kiss. Where is the tongue? But things start looking up when Dad says the word Journey (wow!) and proclaims Chris to be perfect for his daughter and “family orientated”. He taught Physics, not English.

The whole family jumped into the water and I felt awkward inside. Which one of these is not like the other? Oh, Ali’s tan bikini bod is out of sorts with her round, pale schleppy family where sis is wearing one of those bathing suits with a ruffled skirt and mom jumps in the water in PANTS. No no no mom. Bring it. Work it. Own your crazy mom bod.

But then… crash. Ali just doesn’t have that moony look when Chris walks away. This girl does not hide her body language. And even ABC’s manipulative editing can’t save the episode.

Ali breaks it down with her family

I notice now that her family members are all wearing big, colorful, tropical flower prints. Bless their Massachusetts’ hearts. They were so excited about Bora Boar they busted out the Aloha shirts.

Dad chooses Roberto. Pretty sure mom does too.

Raya and Mike choose Chris.

Best line of the season: Ali says “they are both good guys, but there’s just like little differences between them.” Ponder that.

RED SOX.

“Last” date with Roberto

I am blinded by Ali’s bizarre off-the-shoulder gauzy white yellow-flowered top with tank top and bikini underneath. What’s going on?

Ali tells Roberto she missed him. We know the ending already. WE GET IT. You are in love with Ro-bear-toe.

I am starting to think Ali is meant for a shy guy so I am converting and think they are sweet together.

Also, Ali likes to go on machines that go really fast. But not touch stingrays. I like how “blow away” Ali was that Roberto was “protecting” her from the stingrays. What did she expect- that he was going to grab one and spear her through the heart a la Crocodile Hunter?

Ali then says she is “baffled” that Roberto is hers. Grrr. But then

IT RAINS

AND POURS

AND THEY MAKE OUT IN THE OCEAN IN THE RAIN. Pack it in, Chris.

I wish the show would end here so we can have more time to discuss Frank and his co-dependent and unhealthy relationship with Nicole.

Back at Roberto’s ranch Ali tells him he’s perfect, he gives her a framed photo that includes a message with the word Journey and although Roberto appeared to me to be noncommittal with “I’m definitely falling in love with you”, Ali still had her heart “exploding out of her chest” and then says:

“I love Roberto. I never in my whole life felt this good about a relationship and a person.”

Which comment then produces the conundrum of knowing that means either she chooses Roberto or she chooses Chris and can never let him watch this episode and hear those spoken words.

Chris’s inner monologue which painfully obviously foreshadows

Journey.

Chris will be damn excited to marry Ali.

Then the knock of doom

(Which we observed followed Ali’s walk of shame from Roberto’s bed.)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A prone-to-laughing-gym-hair-bottle-blonde.

Ali has something on her chest. Going crazy. Chris looks worried. I am worried. Chris looks sad. He is no dummy. And then she initially wusses out:

“Even if two people really enjoy spending time together, it doesn’t mean they’re supposed to be.”

And who are these hypothetical third parties we’re speaking of?

Oh, Ali and Chris: “I’m in love with someone else.”

Obviously I will majorly hand it to Ali for not playing the ABC game and stringing it all out until the bitter end. She showed mercy on Chris.

Then the broken-hearted says to her: “Good luck tomorrow. Go find out if he loves you.”

CHRIS IS FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am giddy. Chris, there are like 10 million girls in New England waiting to hump your leg like Jetty. Go get yours.

Ali ruins everything by saying in a pouty, baby voice “Can I have a hug?” She is so greedy and needy.

But all is right when Dead Mom sends Chris a rainbow. It’s all as it was meant to be. Sexy make-out in the rain for Roberto, quiet contemplative solo rainbow for Chris.

Ali says “I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve [Roberto].” Hey, Debbie Downer, we don’t either.

Neil Lane comes to Bora Bora

And even says the word Journey!

Roberto

I would be so mad if I had to wear a belt and socks in Bora Bora.

“I only want to propose once in my life.” Look, I am not being cynical. This was sort of a fairy tale ending. But, it must be said, those are famous last words.

Ali

Whoa, there is a male stylist in the background putting Ali’s dress on. The Fourth Wall…oooohhhh.

Proposal

I am not in love with Ali’s ensemble. Usually for this moment the outfit is off the charts.

It made me nervous that Roberto was brought to her on some crazy, adorned boat. Also, I would never marry someone better looking than me. IJS.

Roberto has to walk up 9,372 steps to get to her. Hilar.

ROBERTO IS SWEATING.

Roberto braves through his sweat mustache and tells Ali that he wants to always make her laugh. Mission accomplished. Her life is a laugh riot.

ALI, STOP GIGGLING THROUGH THE PROPOSAL. Also, her roots look terrible. Ladies, always get your roots done before a proposal.

And my cold cynical heart has melted into mush. The ending was sweet and romantic and they seem genuinely in love. I am sure it is forever. ish.

Music from The Lion King gets me every time. But maybe Hakuna Matata would have been better?

How do we feel about Chris being the next Bachelor?

On one hand, that means I get Chris for a whole season. On the other hand, we all know that he should just meet a nice girl through his sisters-in-law, settle down on the Cape and be the hottest dog-owning flip cupping landscaper that ever lived.

After The Final Rose

Ali’s dress is cute. And she looks like she dropped some lbs. Did she get a nose job?

Frank

Ugh, twisting the knife.

True of False? Nicole has a weird face.

Frank backed out at the last minute. He’s still in love with Ali, clearly.

Chris

Is there a woman alive that doesn’t have a crush on this man?

ABC then pulled out their usual bag o’ tricks and forced Chris to watch himself on the big flat screen getting dumped. Also, it looks like he got spray tanned and some blond highlights. Sigh.

These parts are squirmy. Especially when Chris stupidly asks what Ali learned from “their” relationship. And then stupid Chris keeps thanking her again from dumping him early. Sorry stupid Chris, I don’t mean to call you stupid. I want to make out with you. And be your best friend. And Jetty totes gets to sleep on the bed.

Rainbow

Yay.

Ali and Chris Harrison talk Journey

Faye and I decided to consider synonyms of Journey. Experience. Adventure. Path. Escapade. Ride. Process.

Ali and Roberto TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PUBLIC

Roberto also does an awkward laugh. They are meant for each other.

Ali’s first compliment of Roberto is he’s handsome. Roberto’s first for Ali is that she’s smart.

Ali starts talking about what she has sacrificed again. UNSUBSCRIBE.

Virtual movie dates. SUBSCRIBE.

They already rented a place in San Diego. BUT THERE ARE NO CABLE CARS IN SAN DIEGO.

.

.

All of America is talking about Bachelor Pad. Not the Taliban.

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18 Comments

Filed under bachelorette episode recap

18 responses to “bachelorette recap: even my cold cynic’s heart has thawed

  1. erin

    I too, had to support her pick after her date with RobEARto. I kind of always knew that Chris would get his heart broken… I hoped he wouldn’t.

    I’m not sure about Chris being the next Bachelor. He might be too fragile, and not ready to Bob his way through a season of the Bachelor (Bob: verb, to hook up and with and sleep with multiple chicks). (Don’t get me wrong, I would not miss a second of that season if he were the next one.) Maybe they will get someone from the Bachelor Pad, if they all haven’t sullied their names and reputations too much in course of the season.

    On Ali’s blog today, she mentioned that in Iceland she saved a special cave for her RobEARto one on one time, and that it got steamy in the cave. ABC should have given us hints that stuff like that was going on…

    Frank did us all a favor by not showing up. Thank you, Frank. I feel like you saw the Men Tell All, and realized that no good would come of you showing your smarmy face again. You did the right thing, for once. Just because an intern at ABC already put together the Frank video, we still had to watch it, and Chris still dragged Ali through talking about it, but that’s not your fault. If I got a vote, that time would have been filled with more house bloopers.

    RobEARto’s chin facial hair on ATFR? Fail.

    The Lion King thing made me want to barf.

    Yael, one more helicopter ride! But to Catalina… don’t they usually send them back to where they got engaged? Perhaps RobEARto wanted a cooler location. Also, that’s why he wants to get married in the spring, not the summer. Poor guy will sweat his balls off getting married in the summer.

  2. ABC, you had me at the limo on Day 1. I, unlike a certain unnamed Jump-Onto-the-Roberto-Bandwagon-At-the-Last-Minute person, have always been Team Roberto. Although I’ll admit it was getting pretty lonely out there for awhile. I believe in True Love and Love at First Sight. I’m not as in favor of out-of-control sweat glands, but Botox will take care of that. So, all in all, I spent most of the episode swooning. Two plucky kids, in love, one with a Neil Lane diamond. OK, now down to business:
    Ali’s sister’s cleavage was in direct violation of the Ethics Standard of the Teachers Union. I shudder to think of Roberto and Ali’s brother trying to bond. Does he speak at all? Ali’s body language with Chris as they sat at the water after the family visit was stilted and uncomfortable. If she had a cell phone, she would have been texting Roberto.
    BTW, I read that Chris has been offered the Bachelor spot three times already, with higher and higher ante. He has declined each time. Trista was given $15,000 to be the Bachelorette. Now it’s a base of $250,000 and can be negotiated higher. (Note to Ali: That’s about 10 years of working for Facebook, in case you hadn’t figured that out). You done good, girl. Now please find yourself a decent hair salon.

    • yael

      So I am torn on the sister’s cleavage. I agree it’s not appropriate for a teacher on national television.

      BUT, if Ali was your sister and you weren’t Ali, you would sort of have to flaunt what little the good lord gave you in the mysterious genetic lottery.

  3. Jenny

    I am watching it on DVR as I read your blog and I almost peed my pants (which is easy to do while 7 months pregnant) that she pronounces his name “ro-bear-toe”

  4. Danglers

    Dressed in yellow
    She said hello,
    Come propose to me
    you fine fellow.

    I thought that making Roberto climb a million steps in a dark suit when it’s 100 degrees must have been a cruel joke by a producer who wanted Chris to win. Also, am I the only one who noticed how weird his collar was? It was too big, or the lapels on the suit were too small, I’m not exactly sure.

    Is this the first time that the first impression rose winner actually won the whole thing? Is Chris confirmed as the next bachelor? Yael, will you continue to blog those episodes if he is, or will you be unable to stop staring wistfully at Chris doing Cape Cod-y things long enough to put pen to paper during the show?

    • erin

      I was totally distracted by the collar… I think he’s worn shirts like that before for rose ceremonies. They should have lent him one of Ali’s dressing assistants.

      Yael was a late comer to the Chris camp (and the Roberto camp… to any camp that didn’t involve Frank, really), so she will be blogging as penance for liking Frank.

    • Nora

      The collar was definitely weird. Too big, and popping out. I was majorly distracted by it.

      • yael

        Of course I will never stop blogging on any incarnation of this delightful franchise.

        The collar was big, yes. But to me, fashionable. I am too Euro for my own good. Can we go back to the fact that Ro-bear-toe had to wear socks in Bora Bora? That is criminal. I want all the straight, married girls reading this right now to tell me if your man wore socks when he proposed. I will go first: mine was sans socks. He was wearing cargo shorts though and kept telling me how much he loved me. Which was a dead giveaway that something funny was going on.

  5. Kyle

    You know, I think these crazy kids might make it. Last night just showed me the power of the edit since it was painfully clear in the first 10 minutes that sweet Chris was dunzo. Damn you ABC, now I desperately want to see what you purposely DIDN’T show me. It’s clear now that Roberto had her at hello (it’s all about ripping off Jerry McGuire this season) so I think the evil genius producer guy spent all of his efforts trying to throw us off, right down to the “Ali is single” spoiler leak. With good reason too because last night I was blushing while watching them.

    I was blushing and cringing. Blush and cringe…oh and crying too. Seriously– I dare you to find me someone that did NOT tear up during that rainbow scene. I cried during both the finale AND the ATFR replay. How is that for sad? Even sadder, I am convinced it was CGI. Oh how you play me like a fiddle, evil genius.

    The cringing was mainly fashion focused. I did not like any of her outfits this episode and I too was perplexed by the yellow shirts with the straps with the pink bikini under. What the what? I am entirely sick of yellow period. Cringe. Roberto’s suit was funny. It was like big guy in a little coat…with a weird collar. Why did he look like he was going to die when he got to the top of those steps? I was worried for him. Why was he asking Neil Lane for advice on what to do? Why does the way Chris Harrison says Roberto’s name bother me so much? Why did I start making vomit sounds when “Can you Feel the Love Tonight” started playing? And I love that song. Cringe.

    Blush? Well, let’s just say I have watched the proposal several 10 times. When he whispers “be my wife”??? Seriously? YES, YES and YES.

    • Rebecca

      Kyle, I also wondered to myself if these kids will actually stay together for longer than three months I mean forever. They do seem in love and Ali seems happy. That comment about Roberto being her everything was great. Who wrote that for her?

      Maybe this will be couple #2 out of the 50 million that will stay together.

  6. yael

    I feel I must clear my good name.

    There are two ways of rooting for the guys on these shows. One is to project and root for the ones I personally want to date, marry and procreate with.

    The second is to root for the good guy.

    (Hell, there is probably a third category where you root for whomever is the Bachelorette’s best match or whomever will guarantee the biggest train wreck.)

    For most of the show, it seemed to me Ali was most taken with Frank. Roberto was always a little too-good-to-be-true for her. And frankly (hahahahaha), for most of the show I liked Frank the most too for myself. When he devolved into a mess and made the very questionable judgment to get back together with the melting drowned rat that dumped him in the first place, I started to question my loyalties.

    It was right around this time that Chris stopped acting like a big galumph and started being witty, sexy and awesome. Correction: it was around this time that the evil Wizard of ABC started manipulating us with his edits.

    In the end, true love won me over and I saw that Ali and Roberto might actually be in love for a second. Also, I realized that Chris deserves the Coolest Girl of All Time and I can’t say Ali fits the bill.

    But I never, ever, ever, ever changed my mind on Roberto for ME. I wouldn’t kiss that guy. Smooth, Latin, ex-professional athletes who are romantic and kind are not my type. And if left to my own devices, I would still rather sit on a couch with the pathetic, ironic, basement-dwelling, squinty-eyed Midwestern hipster. Inevitably, he would make me laugh. Ro-bear-toe would not.

    IJS.

    • Rebecca

      ITA with Yael here- my main concern about Ali and Ro-BEAR-to is that I am still not convinced she is not totally in love with Frank. 800 double negatives there, sorry. I know she says Frank is not right for her, but she conveniently said that after he dumped her for strange-folding-her-body-into-herself-mousy-brunette-girl.

  7. Rebecca

    I’m sad to say this was the first finale ever that I actually fast forwarded partly through. I still haven’t watched Ro-BEAR-to propose to Ali. Boring. I did see the lip sweat in the AFTR which was hilar. I spent the whole episode hoping for some serious drama i.e. no one was picked or Frank shows up or Ali decides she likes Chris Harrison or Chris and Ro-BEAR-to choose each other. When she proclaimed “I love Roberto” and “I know I should leave to go see Chris but I don’t want to” I could not believe my ears. THEN when she dumped Chris and told him she was in love “with someone else” I thought MAYBE it was FRANK and ABC was really screwing with us. Then when I saw where things were really heading I got bored and went and got some snacks.

    Most of my other comments have already been said but I shall repeat them anyway because I’m selfish like that.

    Ali’s roots were horrendous and that pimple was weird.

    When she walked in to break up with Chris and started talking like a crazy woman and you could see Chris’ face falling my heart started racing and I got so nervous and asked my husband if she was breaking up with him and he said yes and I didn’t know what to do so I started yelling at the TV. That was a long sentence. Then I got even more annoyed when Ali asked Chris for a hug, just like she did with Kirk after dumping him. Who does she think she is? Enough hugging the hotties after you break up with them. Stop being so greedy.

    I did not like her dress in AFTR. Well I liked it okay but I just thought it wasn’t terribly flattering. It smooshed her boobs and made her look a bit bottom heavy IMHO.

    Ali’s family was odd. Her mother was kind, although I definitely vomited a little when she spoke to Ro-Bear-to. I too wondered if Ali’s sister was jel and also was a tad bit offended by the cleavage and leg shot we kept getting. Inappropriate and blatant misguided attempt to steal the limelight from the pretty sister? Fail. The mom jumping in the water with her PANTS on was awesome.

    My heart broke for Chris 50 million times during this episode when I wasn’t busy being annoyed with him. I love him to death but at times he came across as….how do I say this….what is the right word….whiny? pitiful? too nice? Does anyone else see what I mean? Thanking Ali for breaking up with him? Hanging all over Ali the rest of the time? I don’t know. I do agree it was kind of Ali to do it before the big ceremony but come on. It was sadly obvious where things were headed also after the family date when they were pecking (no tongue until marriage evidently) and she told him to go and he walked away and kept looking back and she seemed to have forgotten he existed already.

    As for Chris as the next Bachelor, I am a bit mixed. I think about 85% of America is in love with him at this very moment. He is a cutie and a sweetie and I dig his accent and is likeable and tall. THAT SAID, he is NOT smooth and also would need around-the-clock fashion help down to don’t wear bright white sneakers with a suit please. Also I heard somewhere (maybe on here?) that he already turned down the gig. I think Kirk would be good but I wonder if he has a broad enough appeal such that enough women would really like him? I say this despite my crush. I am not so blinded by love that I cannot be objective.

    So disappointed that Frank did not show up on AFTR. As promised, I plan on googling the hell out of that situation and will report back promptly.

    Ali’s hair was weird- did I say that already? I also thought it looked like she put on quite a few lbs during the show and think I heard that she did from important news sources like US Weekly. If US Weekly says it, it must be true.

    I do think Ali and Ro-BEAR-to seem very sweet and genuinely happy and was thinking that as I watched them together. THAT SAID, how many times have we thought that before? Only to be left broken hearted.

    • Kyle

      Ok, I am still laughing at the “went to get snacks” part of your viewing experience. Good snacks definitely trumped the snore-fest finale.

  8. sonjey

    Can’t wait for the spring televised wedding of 700+.
    I was secretly rooting for him all season long, even with the sweat glands pouring. Their bedroom must be like a wet sauna!!!!
    Loved the gold dress accenting her long locks. Hated the smooshed boobs on after the rose dress.

  9. Kate

    I just have to say what floored me the most was the ending. I read spoilers. Reality steve is never wrong! And, this time, he was…. It was amazing really. ABC edited it to look like Reality Steve was right; they made it look like she would be single in the end. Then, I was totally shocked when she ended up with Roberto – not because they didn’t seem like they would be together, but bc of damn reality steve and masterminds ABC editing.

  10. Meiko

    First off – I love this blog! Second – don’t you think at some point, perhaps off camera, Ali’s family just looked at her and said, “Listen, we’re so sick of talking about you. We’re in Bora Bora for godsake. Stop wasting our time – we want to go for a snorkel”? It was truly incredulous how often the word “me” came out of Ali’s mouth.
    And, I’m convinced that there was pure hate behind her sister’s eyes whenever she would look at Ali.
    Thanks for sharing us your thoughts – can’t wait for the next season!

  11. Beth

    I love this blog…really wish I’d found it earlier. Please continue to comment on all future love/lust journeys. I’m embarassed to say I’ll be watching the Bachelor Pad…but, sometimes the truth hurts.

    Thank you! Cheers…

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