I suppose there was no way this finale could be a train wreck. That would have required a visit from Frank and then maybe another sit-down with Jake and Vienna on a catamaran throwing live stingrays at one another. No… Ali, for all her quirks and constant gym hair, had a goal to find love and refused to totally play the ABC game and lead anyone on. I begrudgingly give her credit for that. Begrudgingly because damn she still irritates me.
Can we suffer through a recap? I think her atrocious ensembles demand it.
Opening montage of scenes past
I am fast forwarding. Too much, ABC. Too much.
Then Chris Harrison’s voiceover: “an unforgettable season finale of The Bachelorette” which meant I immediately determined the finale would be totally bad and forgettable. I hate being wrong.
Crystal aqua water? Check.
Powdery white sand? Check.
Sweeping vistas? Check.
Annoying sequence where Ali reminisces? Unfortunately.
The scene opens to Ali slicing through the water dramatically poised atop a catamaran wrapped in a red/orange (my Slingbox is not perfect on color) wrap and looking very serious. She talks about this as the most difficult and challenging journey of her life. I wish I had set my timer for first Journey mention.
Then it’s time, way too early IMHO, for some serious foreshadowing. Ali wonders aloud if Roberto is “too good to be true” and says she knew after their overnight date when she woke up she was “falling in love with him.” She has never spoken that way about any of the other guys.
Then it gets worse when pondering over Chris, she narrates “friends that are just starting to fall… all my relationships started out as friends.” Ruh roh. Never good to compare a potential soul mate to all your failed relationships. Also Ali said “I cherish my time with Chris.” Cherish is the word people use on this show to mean not-love.
Then I just hear a bunch of words, like
MASSACHUSETTS (That state Chamber of Commerce should seriously thank this show)
Then the camera pans an upward shot of Ali, seriously poised in thought against a tree with a flower in her hair (Frank, you cannot take hair flowers away from Ali!) and the camera moves a bit too slowly for my taste over her ample and brown bikini-clad bosom. But look, if it gets the husbands and boyfriends to watch the show, so be it.
Roberto and Ali’s family
Roberto is wearing a long-sleeve (??) plaid shirt. Plaid is having an amazing run lately on this show. H&M must have gotten the memo because my butt chin-less, less sweaty and less-Latin looking hunk recently bought himself four, YES FOUR, new plaid shirts from there.
Then somewhere someone says “here for the right reasons” and I start to worry that I will not make it through the two hours.
We meet Ali’s family and I confess I have so many thoughts about them, I haven’t quite worked through them all or what they mean. So here is my stream of consciousness:
- Ali does her crazeballs laugh before she even sees her family
- her dad looks like a nice cartoon character
- her sister Raya secretly resents the crap out of Ali for being skinnier and blonder
- these people love the Red Sox
- Raya pronounces Roberto as “Ro-bear-toe” and although I have a feeling that’s probably the most accurate pronunciation of his name, it is hilarious and awful every time she says it
- I am trying to figure out weird brother Mike’s shit-eating grin… I think it means “I got flown to Bora Bora and am sitting and talking to a hot Latin baseball player. Not that I am gay. But he is hot.”
I hate how un-organic the family interviews are. These each started especially stilted. Was there a clipboard somewhere I couldn’t see? I did think it was sweet though that Ro-bear-toe asked mom Beth what he could do to always keep her daughter happy (the skinny, blonde one that is). Then Beth busts out some Spanish which I could only understand as Corazón and which, bless his heart, Roberto listened to with a straight face.
These guys get all traditional and insist only the dad’s blessing for a proposal matters when asking permission. I have to pick my battles so fine, whatever, fine. I will give cartoon dad credit. He really just wanted to know if Roberto loved Ali. I think that was right and to the point.
It’s at this point in the episode that my mind begins to wander and I imagine what my family would be like in this position- hanging out over a vista of Bora Bora analyzing my potential future husband. Many scenarios come to mind but all of them make me feel awkward. Props then to all the people who do this.
Ali is ALL over Roberto. She is looking so moony after him as he walks away. All of the sudden I am involuntarily on Team Roberto. I don’t have a black, ice cold, dead heart! Might as well end the season here.
Chris and Ali’s family
After watching Ali stare after Ro-bear-toe as he walked away, I feel for Chris because I know he is probably a goner but still has to go through the motions of a family audition and date and blah blah blah. Then again, ABC has tricked me before.
Ali has gym hair.
I like that Chris is 33. Makes him infinitely hotter.
The hotness quotient goes up a notch when I hear he used to be a math teacher. Is it weird that that news alone would get me in to bed with a guy?
WOW THE SISTER IS EXCITED ABOUT MASSACHUSETTS. Go Massachusetts! It’s not one of those states that is known for inspiring die-hard loyalty, like Texas or New York, but I’ll take it!
Dad gets up to propose a toast and it all starts clicking. Massachusetts. Nurses. Teachers. Born in Montreal. These crazy kids have so much in common with their families. I know where this is heading.
Someone brings up the Dead Mom. The Dead Mom used to work the night shift. She really might be a saint.
Is Ali adopted? Her sis and bro look like the dad. Faye says maybe the sis and bro are twins. Good eye, good eye. There is a weird family dynamic I can’t put my finger on.
Chris is not as smooth as Roberto. Also I can’t watch him kiss. Where is the tongue? But things start looking up when Dad says the word Journey (wow!) and proclaims Chris to be perfect for his daughter and “family orientated”. He taught Physics, not English.
The whole family jumped into the water and I felt awkward inside. Which one of these is not like the other? Oh, Ali’s tan bikini bod is out of sorts with her round, pale schleppy family where sis is wearing one of those bathing suits with a ruffled skirt and mom jumps in the water in PANTS. No no no mom. Bring it. Work it. Own your crazy mom bod.
But then… crash. Ali just doesn’t have that moony look when Chris walks away. This girl does not hide her body language. And even ABC’s manipulative editing can’t save the episode.
Ali breaks it down with her family
I notice now that her family members are all wearing big, colorful, tropical flower prints. Bless their Massachusetts’ hearts. They were so excited about Bora Boar they busted out the Aloha shirts.
Dad chooses Roberto. Pretty sure mom does too.
Raya and Mike choose Chris.
Best line of the season: Ali says “they are both good guys, but there’s just like little differences between them.” Ponder that.
“Last” date with Roberto
I am blinded by Ali’s bizarre off-the-shoulder gauzy white yellow-flowered top with tank top and bikini underneath. What’s going on?
Ali tells Roberto she missed him. We know the ending already. WE GET IT. You are in love with Ro-bear-toe.
I am starting to think Ali is meant for a shy guy so I am converting and think they are sweet together.
Also, Ali likes to go on machines that go really fast. But not touch stingrays. I like how “blow away” Ali was that Roberto was “protecting” her from the stingrays. What did she expect- that he was going to grab one and spear her through the heart a la Crocodile Hunter?
Ali then says she is “baffled” that Roberto is hers. Grrr. But then
AND THEY MAKE OUT IN THE OCEAN IN THE RAIN. Pack it in, Chris.
I wish the show would end here so we can have more time to discuss Frank and his co-dependent and unhealthy relationship with Nicole.
Back at Roberto’s ranch Ali tells him he’s perfect, he gives her a framed photo that includes a message with the word Journey and although Roberto appeared to me to be noncommittal with “I’m definitely falling in love with you”, Ali still had her heart “exploding out of her chest” and then says:
“I love Roberto. I never in my whole life felt this good about a relationship and a person.”
Which comment then produces the conundrum of knowing that means either she chooses Roberto or she chooses Chris and can never let him watch this episode and hear those spoken words.
Chris’s inner monologue which painfully obviously foreshadows
Chris will be damn excited to marry Ali.
Then the knock of doom
(Which we observed followed Ali’s walk of shame from Roberto’s bed.)
Ali has something on her chest. Going crazy. Chris looks worried. I am worried. Chris looks sad. He is no dummy. And then she initially wusses out:
“Even if two people really enjoy spending time together, it doesn’t mean they’re supposed to be.”
And who are these hypothetical third parties we’re speaking of?
Oh, Ali and Chris: “I’m in love with someone else.”
Obviously I will majorly hand it to Ali for not playing the ABC game and stringing it all out until the bitter end. She showed mercy on Chris.
Then the broken-hearted says to her: “Good luck tomorrow. Go find out if he loves you.”
CHRIS IS FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am giddy. Chris, there are like 10 million girls in New England waiting to hump your leg like Jetty. Go get yours.
Ali ruins everything by saying in a pouty, baby voice “Can I have a hug?” She is so greedy and needy.
But all is right when Dead Mom sends Chris a rainbow. It’s all as it was meant to be. Sexy make-out in the rain for Roberto, quiet contemplative solo rainbow for Chris.
Ali says “I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve [Roberto].” Hey, Debbie Downer, we don’t either.
Neil Lane comes to Bora Bora
And even says the word Journey!
I would be so mad if I had to wear a belt and socks in Bora Bora.
“I only want to propose once in my life.” Look, I am not being cynical. This was sort of a fairy tale ending. But, it must be said, those are famous last words.
Whoa, there is a male stylist in the background putting Ali’s dress on. The Fourth Wall…oooohhhh.
I am not in love with Ali’s ensemble. Usually for this moment the outfit is off the charts.
It made me nervous that Roberto was brought to her on some crazy, adorned boat. Also, I would never marry someone better looking than me. IJS.
Roberto has to walk up 9,372 steps to get to her. Hilar.
ROBERTO IS SWEATING.
Roberto braves through his sweat mustache and tells Ali that he wants to always make her laugh. Mission accomplished. Her life is a laugh riot.
ALI, STOP GIGGLING THROUGH THE PROPOSAL. Also, her roots look terrible. Ladies, always get your roots done before a proposal.
And my cold cynical heart has melted into mush. The ending was sweet and romantic and they seem genuinely in love. I am sure it is forever. ish.
Music from The Lion King gets me every time. But maybe Hakuna Matata would have been better?
How do we feel about Chris being the next Bachelor?
On one hand, that means I get Chris for a whole season. On the other hand, we all know that he should just meet a nice girl through his sisters-in-law, settle down on the Cape and be the hottest dog-owning flip cupping landscaper that ever lived.
After The Final Rose
Ali’s dress is cute. And she looks like she dropped some lbs. Did she get a nose job?
Ugh, twisting the knife.
True of False? Nicole has a weird face.
Frank backed out at the last minute. He’s still in love with Ali, clearly.
Is there a woman alive that doesn’t have a crush on this man?
ABC then pulled out their usual bag o’ tricks and forced Chris to watch himself on the big flat screen getting dumped. Also, it looks like he got spray tanned and some blond highlights. Sigh.
These parts are squirmy. Especially when Chris stupidly asks what Ali learned from “their” relationship. And then stupid Chris keeps thanking her again from dumping him early. Sorry stupid Chris, I don’t mean to call you stupid. I want to make out with you. And be your best friend. And Jetty totes gets to sleep on the bed.
Ali and Chris Harrison talk Journey
Faye and I decided to consider synonyms of Journey. Experience. Adventure. Path. Escapade. Ride. Process.
Ali and Roberto TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PUBLIC
Roberto also does an awkward laugh. They are meant for each other.
Ali’s first compliment of Roberto is he’s handsome. Roberto’s first for Ali is that she’s smart.
Ali starts talking about what she has sacrificed again. UNSUBSCRIBE.
Virtual movie dates. SUBSCRIBE.
They already rented a place in San Diego. BUT THERE ARE NO CABLE CARS IN SAN DIEGO.
All of America is talking about Bachelor Pad. Not the Taliban.