bachelorette recap: (some of) the men tell all (that abc will let them tell)

She wasn't that into you but you're on to better things.

On a normal episode of The Bachelorette, I am antsy. I want to fast forward through all the repetitive commercial breaks showing the same upcoming scenes and get through all the labored, boring date moments and get to the point.

I feel the opposite about “Men Tell All”. Inevitably there isn’t enough time to actually hear from the guys because of all the other crap filler in an episode. I needed more time. I mean, hot Jesse barely got to speak, the Weatherman should have been in the Hot Seat and Craig R the lawyer shoulda let someone else get a word in edgewise. And I like hearing the sistas in the audience and their two cents. It’s like some retro Ricki Lake shit.

Oh well, let’s just cover the morsels ABC gave us.

All the clichéd things Chris Harrison says every season were in full force

The show opens with him saying “A reunion show you won’t want to miss!” which I immediately interpreted to mean it would be totally missable. But hell if I am going to set my alarm at 4:45am and then waste it.

Journey

Journey

Journey

Amazing

Ali’s off-site sit-down with Chris Harrison recapping

Chris Harrison’s 4th and 5th words: amazing journey.

I like these clips from the episodes because it reminds me of things that disturb me. For starters, why was the phone that launched the Rated R drama (snoozefest it is) a 1980/90s plastic corded number? Can the hotel not afford an update? I felt uncomfortable just watching Ali trying to negotiate the cord on that puppy.

And then a flashback to Kasey on the glacier in Iceland and I started to get worked up again over his pairing of a classic patterned Burberry scarf and bright blue snowsuit. Wrong, Kasey, WRONG.

Ali lied and said she liked the hometown visit to Kirk’s family.

Frank. Sigh sigh sigh. Sigh city. All my old feelings came rushing back and I fell in love with him all over again. I know that I am a rocketship of emotion when it comes to him, and this doesn’t mean I have forsaken Chris L and his sidekick Jetty- it’s just that still Frank comes off the most refreshingly witty and quirky and smart and genuine and his chemistry with Ali very genuine.

Unseen moments of the season aka Bloopers

Chris Harrison’s 2nd word: journey.

I laughed when Roberto almost took Ali’s eye out with the champagne cork. Or the cats and peacock in Turkey. Why does ABC keep these gems from us? It would have humanized Roberto earlier. You know the stupid producers are like, “Save this for the bloopers reel guys, hardy har!” Grr.

I also wished we could have seen Frank’s dad’s crazycakes (fake?) toast at dinner. I am still not convinced it was a joke.

As for Kasey’s museum date… ruh roh, Ali completely blocked out that she donned an astronaut hat. I will give it to Kasey this MTA episode- he took a licking and kept on ticking.

Chris N the “Phantom”. Now we get to see he is funny and likable. Thanks for nothing, ABC.

Now we turn to the guys on the stage

Chris Harrison’s approximately 10th word: journey.

WTF- JESSE SHAVED HIS HEAD?? He is still smoking hot. Phew.

Confession: I hate when each guy gets introduced and the audience claps and screams. It is reminiscent of times in school when names are called (like graduation) and you sweat with nervousness that you’re not going to get a decent cheer. I always feel bad for the cast-offs that they have to endure yet another popularity contest.

Also, I am confused why we are learning that Frank will be joining next week for After The Final Rose (ATFR obvs). That is outside the protocol of this show so of course I am getting nervous. Will Nicole be there too? Will her hair be straightened?

So everything is going fine with the banter and then for no reason at all, John C and Tyler V (Who? And who?) decide they want to pounce on Weatherman for tattling on Craig M (a-hole bouffant hair guy) to Ali during the season. These guys just want to be on camera and they know otherwise no one will address them because hell, we don’t remember them. But cheap shot. I know Weatherman’s ambisexual vibe and delicate bone structure make him easy prey BUT he is funny and unique and probably pretty nice, even if he is a neurotic mess.

I also think it’s sweet that the guys seem to genuinely love Krazey Kasey. I will say this for these group house situations- it’s a democratic system and when the majority thinks something about one of the others, you have to assume it’s telling.

Frank retrospective

When he jumped on that limo, I briefly considered what our child would look like together if we had one (conclusion: nearsighted) but then I got all flustered when he is quoted on camera saying “I’m here to the end.” Don’t taunt me, boy.

Then Craig R ruins everything and says “Ali wanted to find a husband out of this and I’m not sure that she did.” I don’t read spoilers so you better just be guessing, jerkoff.

And then in yet-another example of ABC’s total inability to assess audience consensus, Chris Harrison’s voiceover proclaims an upcoming part of the show will be devoted to “The shocking exit that America is still talking about… Justin.”

Dear America,

Are we still talking about it?

Please let me know ASAP.

Yours very truly,

Me

Kasey in the Hot Seat

It must be said, the guy is likable and he is spot-on when he says that there is a girl that will love all his guarding and protecting and singing and kookiness. He says he wants to be “a good memory”. Kasey, I can’t believe I am withholding the snark for a moment, but you are a good memory. You done good, kid. Now go find a girl that is not sickened by the tattoo you got for another girl and also burn your Burberry scarf. Toots.

Kirk in the Hot Seat

It is at this point in the show that I realize Kirk has yet to speak. He is just a stand-up guy until the bitter end- never trying to hog the spotlight or throw anyone under the bus. In fact, he is so diplomatic to everyone I was even surprised he got a little snippy about Frank selfishly continuing on even though he had a mousey, random, eye-staring ex girlfriend “in the back of his mind”.

But when Kirk, decked out in his Lance Armstrong bracelet, walked us again through mold and being unwell and living at home and not being able to give his heart to anyone, it hit me. He might just be… wait for it… and it’s in all-caps, okay?… the Best Guy Ever.  And according to Google News Entertainment (is there any other kind of news?) Kirk is now linked with Jessie. This show is so deliciously incestuous. I am worried a little Jessie might be a fame whore so Jessie, guard and protect Kirk’s heart. Don’t make me come find you in Canada with a caribou foot with eyes and give you a piece of my mind.

Part of the show I have been dreading where we re-hash the already-exhausted storyline of Justin Rated R Monkey Clown

This is what I call ABC’s typical “Rose-Colored Glasses”. And you’re welcome for the awesome pun. Every season ABC tells us in promos and official blogs who we most care about it, what we’re all still talking about and what is the most dramatic and shocking thing ever. And they are always wrong and totally need to fire their focus group.

I am actually surprised Justin declined to be there. For someone that would welcome publicity, what does it mean that he eschewed it? Also, how does his granny feel about all his two-timing?

When Jessie breaks down Justin’s two timing

I love that she said Jessica found her through a “social networking site”. Let me guess, let me guess… Friendster? LinkedIn? Um, um, Bebo?

Best revelations: (1) Justin does not own a car and (2) he would not let his girlfriend have a Facebook account. Oh and (3) said girlfriend did not find it troubling that she was prevented from having a Facebook account. Because that’s totally normal.

Ali finally takes the stage

Let’s start with the good news: the short sparkly dress was cute.

Now the bad news: the hair was tragic. In an epic way.

My mother would call it “blender” hair and I am inclined to agree with her. I would actually take it one step further and call it an updo of matted dog hair. Sorry. I really hope one of the ABC stylists got fired. Not because I wish ill will on anyone but simply that someone has to answer to the the gross miscalculation involved. And I don’t want to believe the poor judgment emanated from Ali. She has enough on her mind.

For example, “Tahiti was rock bottom” for her.

Then Chris Harrison kicks a girl while she’s down and asks Ali if she wishes she had brought Kirk to Tahiti instead. Did you notice how eloquently Ali deflected that question? Instead of saying “Hell to the No, between the mold and the taxidermy I throw up a little in my mouth now when thinking about kissing Kirk”, she demurred to something only quasi-related. But points also for not lying, which would have been easy.

Kasey’s (not really) impromptu song was funny and he can actually carry a tune. I do think some Krazey girl will one day be psyched to be with him.

Crazy, fun, hilarious outtakes

When Ty was acting as an interpreter for the dog next door, I just about forgave him for wanting to prevent women from entering the workforce. (And incidentally, yet another subject ABC missed in this wrongly-apportioned episode of boring, stupid, nobody-cares Justin.)

THE MOUSE. Die, rodent, die.

Last two men

I missed Cape Cod Chris L the whole damn show.

I am going to cut sweaty Roberto some slack. He is super cute and kind.

But here is what’s troubling: a seasoned fan of the show, comme moi, knows that when the Bachelore/tte picks someone in the end, ABC hypes every last drop of it in the weeks before. But this time around, everything seems to be falling flat. Chris Harrison never asked Ali on the couch Have you found love? Or are you engaged? Which is normally what they ask when someone is and normally then we’re treated to some knowing, secretive, gushing smile of the intended and a declarative Yes. In this case Chris Harrison lifelesslessy and quickly mumbled something like “You’ll have to watch next week to see what happens” which I will go ahead and translate as yet-another season where the finale results in nothing. Chris Harrison then takes the damage up a notch and says “We all can’t wait to see what happens!” GIVE THAT MAN A POLY-A-GRAPH, stat.

Bachelor Pad preview

So much crying- I can’t wait!!

Tenley and Kiptyn? I get it, I see it. Hmmm.

Gia and Wes? Oh geez.

IS IT AUGUST 9TH YET??

20/20 Stories Behind the Rose

Crap, I didn’t know this was on. DVR was not set. Did anyone see it?

Scenes for next week

Oooh, Ali’s dad is a ballbreaker. Ali wears yellow. Ali probably wants to marry Frank. Lots of people will book travel to Bora Bora. The stylist who was fired from ABC this week will hopefully find a new career. Rated R will date some girls and delete their Facebook accounts. Kirk will get lots of action. Roberto will sweat. Chris L will stay in my dreams.

Exit montage

Weatherman plays some fake messages from Rated R on his cell phone. I dare you to disagree with me- the man is clever. If I were a gay guy, I would totally get with him.

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelorette episode recap

11 responses to “bachelorette recap: (some of) the men tell all (that abc will let them tell)

  1. Becky

    This tell all was so boring. I do NOT care about Rated R. Although I will say I was very surprised he wasn’t there since the whole point of his existence I mean being on the show was to get publicity.

    -First I just want to say I am truly concerned about next week. I feel like no one will get picked because I think Ali’s true love dumped her for a strange folding-her-body-into-itself brunette who says oddities like “you need to come home.” On the bright side, our options for the next Bachelor are fabulous. I also think the final two WOULD have been Frank and Roberto so I’m concerned for Chris.

    -I have to say I really liked Kasey tonight. He was funny and laughed at himself and was likeable. Too bad so sad for Kasey.

    – I almost threw something at the TV when Ali said that her reaction to Rated R was her effort to stand up for all the girls and women who’ve been mistreated before. Oh PLEASE Ali.

    -Really, Chris Harrison? This is the ending “ALL OF AMERICA has been waiting for?”

    -Jesse’s haircut = dislike. I don’t think he’s hot anymore. Next.

    -Kirk = swoon. I love. Except I don’t know why he didn’t speak the whole time. I sorta wonder if that speech he gave about being ready to find the one is ABC setting us/him up to be the next Bachelor. And I loved his little Converse. I felt bad when Ali totally dodged Chris H’s question about wishing she could have kept Kirk instead of Frank.

    – I’ve said it before- I dig these guys. They are funny and good natured and seem to generally have a good sense of camraderie and even played fun practical jokes on each other.

    -I developed a pseudo-crush on Craig last night, although it of course will always remain inferior by my crush on Kirky Kirk. Craig is funny and charming, even if he did talk too much last night.

    – I am at a complete speechless loss of words for Ali’s hair last night. In fact, when I think of Ali’s various hairstyles this entire season, I sorta think we need a new blog devoted entirely to her hairstyles.

    -I loved Ali’s sparkly dress.

    -I did not love Ali’s annoying still-trying-too-hard laugh.

    -I do think Ali is a “pretty nice” Bachelorette.

    -Jessie was sporting a super tight black dress. I haven’t decided yet if she’s good enough for my Kirk. I definitely sense a Mean Girls vibe about her and even though I know Kirk is an overgrown frat boy who can stick up for himself I just want to make sure he is with the right person.

    -in watching the flashbacks, I have to ask myself: why does Chris only kiss in little pecks? What is he afraid of? And I totes get the chills when he said “God, I love you.” Still. A whole week later.

    • kyle

      I love your observation about Nicole. What was up with her? I may or may not have re-watched last week’s episode the other day at like 5AM and was also struck by how she kept saying the word “sick” or “sickened” with super emphasis on the C-K.

      I think together Frank and Nicole must be a perfect tortured mess.

      I may or may not have re-watched the “God, I love you” scene like 50 times…

  2. Fabulous recap, worth losing a night’s sleep. Where to start? The Hair: I totally get what happened. After a groundswell of emails, letters, faxes, and picket lines outside the studio, ABC called in the big guns: both hairdressers from “What Not to Wear,” the entire cast of “Jerseylicious,” and the hot hyperactive guy from “Extreme Makeover,” which some ABC producer thought was a beauty makeover show. They all worked on Ali’s hair at the same time (the HHEM guy used his hammer). This is the only way you can get hair like that.

    I have also solved something that was bothering me: Kirk did not have asbestos poisoning from some house he lived in. He had Old Animal Mold Poisoning from being in his dad’s basement.

    I didn’t write this down, but I swear Ali said something like “I was planning on spending the rest of my life with Frank.” Seriously, if she picks C or R on the final show, it will be a total fallback. The girl wanted Frank. Period. Two periods.

    Funniest part for me was the montage of “Disappearing Guy.” Second was Weatherman playing the voicemails from Justin. Good boy, W Man, you’re comin’ out.

    • Becky

      Lifeintheboomerlane (in case you didn’t want your real name used):

      YES- I heard that too about Ali and Frank. I think it was “I thought I was going to end up with Frank.” Which means she can’t pick any of the other guys now. Or if she does they’ll break up in 2 months.

      • I totally agree. Unless ABC comes up with a new reality show, “Ali and Girl-Folding-Up-On-Herself Duke it Out for Frank.”
        Renee (aka LBL) I never changed my name. I’m a victim of WordPress.

  3. erin

    I taped 20/20, and will report back when I watch (likely tonight).

    Yael, its really upsetting to me that you still have these feelings for Frank. Seriously? You are so much smarter than this. You gotta drop that guy. He’s no good for you… My unborn child, who kicks up a storm in sheer disgust anytime Frank is even mentioned, has better Frank instincts than you.

    I wish they did 30 minutes of just bloopers instead of all the Justin stuff. You know they have plenty since the boys just drink at the house in between dates… They should have left the Justin commentary to what Kirk and the Phantom said and left that black dress girl at home. Thanks for the public service, see ya later.

    I’m afraid to watch next week. I think Frank being on ATFR is totally suspicious, and maybe Nicole will have to find a way to be complete without her Franky Poo because he’s snuggled up in Ali’s weave.

    On Bachelor Pad: did Gia say she went on the show but has a significant other? I’m so confused. That’s worse than going on the Real World with a SO…

  4. kyle

    Ok so I giddily saved reading the blog for my sacred lunch hour and now I have my door properly closed so to howl like that dog in the gag reel. Who knew Ty was such a joker?

    So I have lots of random thoughts that will now appear in no order whatsoever.

    Not surprisingly, I start with Jesse. I am obviously still sad that Ali couldn’t just throw me a bone and keep him until the fantasy dates. I needed to see me some hot Jesse in hot not really Tahiti. I actually like the buzz cut and cannot wait to watch him on Bachelor Pad. I see he has met his intellectual match hooking up with that blonde from Jason’s season. I can hear the crickets now. Becky, are you excited to see your bad boy David back in the action?

    Ali and Frank. Frank and Ali. I too was shocked by that interview of her saying she thought Frank was going to be her husband. In fact, I think she threw in a “totally”. Say what? How did I miss that last week? Sucks to be Roberto and Chris.

    I also noticed through the flashbacks that Frank has put on a few LBS on his “journey”. He started out looking trendy cute channeling a young Elvis Costello but left looking burnt to a crisp channeling an old Sean Astin circa Lord of the Rings.

    I did think the clip of Frank’s Dad making that toast was HIGHlarious. If it was indeed a joke then I get why Frank hasn’t moved out.

    Back to the dudes who were actually present at the MTA…Do you think they all got spray tans together and who pressed Chris N’s button twice? The Phantom was extra orange.

    Yael, your memo to America made me laugh really loud and I totally agree. Do we care about Rated R? As an aside though, over the weekend the radio was tuned to sports talk and they were discussing WWE, specifically Mike the MIZ and his recent successes. Apparently he took a break from Real World/Road Rules challenges long enough to make it big in entertainment wrestling and he owes his brilliant career to reality television. Apparently entertainment wrestling still exists. Maybe Justin was no fool?

    Now to Kirk. My husband must have asked 10 times if he was going to be the next Bachelor. Perhaps you have competition for him Becky!? We both commented that he was going to get laid a lot after his time in the hot seat. Sounds like he might be taken though? Good piece of gossip about Jessie.

    Lastly, my favorite moment of the episode was, hands down, the hand in the bucket moment. Chris L and his slurred speech was too cute and Craig (whatever his initial is– I mean who in the hell is the other Craig??) had the most priceless reaction. He just left his hand in the bucket! Drunk and Drunker…kind of like Ali on that museum date. Can you really blame her though?

    I am nervous for next week.

  5. Faye

    I thought I didn’t have anything else to add. The comment about being spray tanned twice made me laugh out loud, really loudly at work. But then I read Chris Harrison’s blog on ew.com. He mentioned: “The Bachelor video game is out for WII and Nintendo DS gaming systems. The game is a lot of fun, especially if you’re a fan of the show. Yes, I’m there every step of the way to help you out.”
    WHAT? I’m not really a video game fan, but this is interesting. Then I read about the game: http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/03/04/bachelor-videogame/
    and it sounds kind of boring, but I don’t know what I was expecting.

  6. Faye

    one more thing – tonight on E! there’s a special: The Bachelor: Then and Now. I think it’s on at 9pm EST. Set your tivos!

  7. erin

    I watched 20/20. It was mostly a repeat of the last 20/20 special they aired (Deanna and what’s his names first conversation after the show, Bob hooked up with everyone on his season, etc, the producer talking a lot), with a few crappy additions, like how everyone thinks Jake is a jerk now that he yelled at Vienna on tv, and how a relationship based on a stressful event like bungy jumping can’t survive. I guess that means they think Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reaves’ make out session at the end of Speed wasn’t based on real love either. Go figure.

    I can’t remember if this was on last time, but Wes said he has had drinks thrown in his crotch area. Frank may want to invest in waterproof pants…

  8. yael

    Everyone, love the comments. And I expect a full force showing next week. And then I am going to hit the gym daily, get spray tanned and eat only lettuce and air in preparation for The Bachelor Pad. You know it’s a steamy cast when the lingerie model is the worst-looking girl there.

    Most importantly, who is in for this cruise with me: http://www.fansofrealitytvcruise.com?? I would never have gotten wind of this genius idea if it wasn’t for the genius of Rated R’s FB fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Justin-Rated-R-Regos-Official-Bachelorette-Fan-Page/100676523312169?ref=search

    You’re welcome.

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