On a normal episode of The Bachelorette, I am antsy. I want to fast forward through all the repetitive commercial breaks showing the same upcoming scenes and get through all the labored, boring date moments and get to the point.
I feel the opposite about “Men Tell All”. Inevitably there isn’t enough time to actually hear from the guys because of all the other crap filler in an episode. I needed more time. I mean, hot Jesse barely got to speak, the Weatherman should have been in the Hot Seat and Craig R the lawyer shoulda let someone else get a word in edgewise. And I like hearing the sistas in the audience and their two cents. It’s like some retro Ricki Lake shit.
Oh well, let’s just cover the morsels ABC gave us.
All the clichéd things Chris Harrison says every season were in full force
The show opens with him saying “A reunion show you won’t want to miss!” which I immediately interpreted to mean it would be totally missable. But hell if I am going to set my alarm at 4:45am and then waste it.
Ali’s off-site sit-down with Chris Harrison recapping
Chris Harrison’s 4th and 5th words: amazing journey.
I like these clips from the episodes because it reminds me of things that disturb me. For starters, why was the phone that launched the Rated R drama (snoozefest it is) a 1980/90s plastic corded number? Can the hotel not afford an update? I felt uncomfortable just watching Ali trying to negotiate the cord on that puppy.
And then a flashback to Kasey on the glacier in Iceland and I started to get worked up again over his pairing of a classic patterned Burberry scarf and bright blue snowsuit. Wrong, Kasey, WRONG.
Ali lied and said she liked the hometown visit to Kirk’s family.
Frank. Sigh sigh sigh. Sigh city. All my old feelings came rushing back and I fell in love with him all over again. I know that I am a rocketship of emotion when it comes to him, and this doesn’t mean I have forsaken Chris L and his sidekick Jetty- it’s just that still Frank comes off the most refreshingly witty and quirky and smart and genuine and his chemistry with Ali very genuine.
Unseen moments of the season aka Bloopers
Chris Harrison’s 2nd word: journey.
I laughed when Roberto almost took Ali’s eye out with the champagne cork. Or the cats and peacock in Turkey. Why does ABC keep these gems from us? It would have humanized Roberto earlier. You know the stupid producers are like, “Save this for the bloopers reel guys, hardy har!” Grr.
I also wished we could have seen Frank’s dad’s crazycakes (fake?) toast at dinner. I am still not convinced it was a joke.
As for Kasey’s museum date… ruh roh, Ali completely blocked out that she donned an astronaut hat. I will give it to Kasey this MTA episode- he took a licking and kept on ticking.
Chris N the “Phantom”. Now we get to see he is funny and likable. Thanks for nothing, ABC.
Now we turn to the guys on the stage
Chris Harrison’s approximately 10th word: journey.
WTF- JESSE SHAVED HIS HEAD?? He is still smoking hot. Phew.
Confession: I hate when each guy gets introduced and the audience claps and screams. It is reminiscent of times in school when names are called (like graduation) and you sweat with nervousness that you’re not going to get a decent cheer. I always feel bad for the cast-offs that they have to endure yet another popularity contest.
Also, I am confused why we are learning that Frank will be joining next week for After The Final Rose (ATFR obvs). That is outside the protocol of this show so of course I am getting nervous. Will Nicole be there too? Will her hair be straightened?
So everything is going fine with the banter and then for no reason at all, John C and Tyler V (Who? And who?) decide they want to pounce on Weatherman for tattling on Craig M (a-hole bouffant hair guy) to Ali during the season. These guys just want to be on camera and they know otherwise no one will address them because hell, we don’t remember them. But cheap shot. I know Weatherman’s ambisexual vibe and delicate bone structure make him easy prey BUT he is funny and unique and probably pretty nice, even if he is a neurotic mess.
I also think it’s sweet that the guys seem to genuinely love Krazey Kasey. I will say this for these group house situations- it’s a democratic system and when the majority thinks something about one of the others, you have to assume it’s telling.
When he jumped on that limo, I briefly considered what our child would look like together if we had one (conclusion: nearsighted) but then I got all flustered when he is quoted on camera saying “I’m here to the end.” Don’t taunt me, boy.
Then Craig R ruins everything and says “Ali wanted to find a husband out of this and I’m not sure that she did.” I don’t read spoilers so you better just be guessing, jerkoff.
And then in yet-another example of ABC’s total inability to assess audience consensus, Chris Harrison’s voiceover proclaims an upcoming part of the show will be devoted to “The shocking exit that America is still talking about… Justin.”
Are we still talking about it?
Please let me know ASAP.
Yours very truly,
Kasey in the Hot Seat
It must be said, the guy is likable and he is spot-on when he says that there is a girl that will love all his guarding and protecting and singing and kookiness. He says he wants to be “a good memory”. Kasey, I can’t believe I am withholding the snark for a moment, but you are a good memory. You done good, kid. Now go find a girl that is not sickened by the tattoo you got for another girl and also burn your Burberry scarf. Toots.
Kirk in the Hot Seat
It is at this point in the show that I realize Kirk has yet to speak. He is just a stand-up guy until the bitter end- never trying to hog the spotlight or throw anyone under the bus. In fact, he is so diplomatic to everyone I was even surprised he got a little snippy about Frank selfishly continuing on even though he had a mousey, random, eye-staring ex girlfriend “in the back of his mind”.
But when Kirk, decked out in his Lance Armstrong bracelet, walked us again through mold and being unwell and living at home and not being able to give his heart to anyone, it hit me. He might just be… wait for it… and it’s in all-caps, okay?… the Best Guy Ever. And according to Google News Entertainment (is there any other kind of news?) Kirk is now linked with Jessie. This show is so deliciously incestuous. I am worried a little Jessie might be a fame whore so Jessie, guard and protect Kirk’s heart. Don’t make me come find you in Canada with a caribou foot with eyes and give you a piece of my mind.
Part of the show I have been dreading where we re-hash the already-exhausted storyline of Justin Rated R Monkey Clown
This is what I call ABC’s typical “Rose-Colored Glasses”. And you’re welcome for the awesome pun. Every season ABC tells us in promos and official blogs who we most care about it, what we’re all still talking about and what is the most dramatic and shocking thing ever. And they are always wrong and totally need to fire their focus group.
I am actually surprised Justin declined to be there. For someone that would welcome publicity, what does it mean that he eschewed it? Also, how does his granny feel about all his two-timing?
When Jessie breaks down Justin’s two timing
I love that she said Jessica found her through a “social networking site”. Let me guess, let me guess… Friendster? LinkedIn? Um, um, Bebo?
Best revelations: (1) Justin does not own a car and (2) he would not let his girlfriend have a Facebook account. Oh and (3) said girlfriend did not find it troubling that she was prevented from having a Facebook account. Because that’s totally normal.
Ali finally takes the stage
Let’s start with the good news: the short sparkly dress was cute.
Now the bad news: the hair was tragic. In an epic way.
My mother would call it “blender” hair and I am inclined to agree with her. I would actually take it one step further and call it an updo of matted dog hair. Sorry. I really hope one of the ABC stylists got fired. Not because I wish ill will on anyone but simply that someone has to answer to the the gross miscalculation involved. And I don’t want to believe the poor judgment emanated from Ali. She has enough on her mind.
For example, “Tahiti was rock bottom” for her.
Then Chris Harrison kicks a girl while she’s down and asks Ali if she wishes she had brought Kirk to Tahiti instead. Did you notice how eloquently Ali deflected that question? Instead of saying “Hell to the No, between the mold and the taxidermy I throw up a little in my mouth now when thinking about kissing Kirk”, she demurred to something only quasi-related. But points also for not lying, which would have been easy.
Kasey’s (not really) impromptu song was funny and he can actually carry a tune. I do think some Krazey girl will one day be psyched to be with him.
Crazy, fun, hilarious outtakes
When Ty was acting as an interpreter for the dog next door, I just about forgave him for wanting to prevent women from entering the workforce. (And incidentally, yet another subject ABC missed in this wrongly-apportioned episode of boring, stupid, nobody-cares Justin.)
THE MOUSE. Die, rodent, die.
Last two men
I missed Cape Cod Chris L the whole damn show.
I am going to cut sweaty Roberto some slack. He is super cute and kind.
But here is what’s troubling: a seasoned fan of the show, comme moi, knows that when the Bachelore/tte picks someone in the end, ABC hypes every last drop of it in the weeks before. But this time around, everything seems to be falling flat. Chris Harrison never asked Ali on the couch Have you found love? Or are you engaged? Which is normally what they ask when someone is and normally then we’re treated to some knowing, secretive, gushing smile of the intended and a declarative Yes. In this case Chris Harrison lifelesslessy and quickly mumbled something like “You’ll have to watch next week to see what happens” which I will go ahead and translate as yet-another season where the finale results in nothing. Chris Harrison then takes the damage up a notch and says “We all can’t wait to see what happens!” GIVE THAT MAN A POLY-A-GRAPH, stat.
Bachelor Pad preview
So much crying- I can’t wait!!
Tenley and Kiptyn? I get it, I see it. Hmmm.
Gia and Wes? Oh geez.
IS IT AUGUST 9TH YET??
20/20 Stories Behind the Rose
Crap, I didn’t know this was on. DVR was not set. Did anyone see it?
Scenes for next week
Oooh, Ali’s dad is a ballbreaker. Ali wears yellow. Ali probably wants to marry Frank. Lots of people will book travel to Bora Bora. The stylist who was fired from ABC this week will hopefully find a new career. Rated R will date some girls and delete their Facebook accounts. Kirk will get lots of action. Roberto will sweat. Chris L will stay in my dreams.
Weatherman plays some fake messages from Rated R on his cell phone. I dare you to disagree with me- the man is clever. If I were a gay guy, I would totally get with him.