bachelorette recap: no offense to mousey brunettes everywhere, but nicole? really?

What Douchebag ruins a place like this?

 

This week we find ourselves in Tahiti. Well, we kept hearing it was Tahiti. Which might make the actual people of Tahiti a bit huffy since they are hundreds of miles from the island of Tahaa in French Polynesia. Not to matter, ABC is in to truthiness. 

Scenes for the Episode We’re About to Watch

This is the journey of a lifetime for Ali. 

Chris from Cape Cod (hereinafter referred to as “Chris”) wears plaid. A trifecta of plaid! Oh wait, Frank never wore plaid. More ominous foreshadowing. 

Spooky music. 

For some reason Frank gets to do the monotone voiceover for his creepy Chicago interlude. Do these guys sometimes have to show up at the studio to record sound over the tapes? I just imagine Frank runs into like the whole Toy Story 3 cast taping theirs. 

Opening

I am getting impatient with the LA thing. LA is not significant in a season that takes place all over the world. Why is that the place we have to watch Chris dramatically pondering the world and his mother atop the only tall building in the city? (Do you think his mom is like so pissed in Heaven how often her name is getting bandied about on a reality show?) 

Also, Chris looks hot. I am such a convert. I will never doubt you all again. 

Chris says “it just seems like yesterday there were 25 guys in the house waiting to meet her…” I don’t want to quibble Chris, but it was sort of yesterday for real. Isn’t there like a statutory amount of time that must pass before anyone is allowed to declare “it seems like only yesterday…”? It seems like only yesterday I spilled pesto on my favorite work dress. Oh wait, that was this afternoon. 

The obligatory suitcase packing shots

Chris is packing. The room is spotless. I am skeptical. 

Now look, Roberto is packing. The last remaining item on the bed is a Lion King CD and he picks it up longingly, flashes a knowing smile, and gingerly tucks it into his suitcase. And elsewhere thousands of baseball players are hanging their heads in shame for their fallen, fruity brother. 

Why don’t we ever see the goods in these guys’ suitcases? Like Rogaine shampoo or foot fungal powder? Hell, I would even take an old dog-eared issue of Maxim. 

I loved being reminded during the retrospective of Ali and Roberto’s long and involved relationship of the cable car in Lisbon, Portugal. Because it was just like San Francisco. Everyone knows the two cities are always getting mixed up they’re so similar. 

Frank’s selfish diversion of an otherwise eye candy-filled episode

And now Frank is packing! A suitcase full of skintight cardigans! 

I loved reminiscing back to when Frank wasn’t crazeballs in the first few seconds of the season. It seems like only yesterday Frank wasn’t crazeballs. 

We see now how stressed he is. 

WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND, FOUR EYES?? 

Apparently, there is an ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And cue spooky music. And he’s telling us this whole convoluted story about Ali and Nicole but I can’t focus because there are strategically placed lit candles behind him which means, from the outset, ABC is complicit in Frank’s asinine plan to go to Nicole’s apartment and re-acquaint with his one true love. 

Now, this could have been a potentially really exciting, really dramatic storyline. But somehow it just comes off strange, nonsensical, stilted and is it possible-boring. I have no choice but to reduce the reasons why to bullets: 

  • There was never one word the entire season (promos for this episode don’t count) about this ex-girlfriend. Not even a whiff. Not from his family or from the other bros in the house or even from Jessie keeping ever vigilant on tattling from her chick pad in Canada.
  • So basically the news come out of left field and then just remains a puzzle rather than intriguing.
  • How can a self-described poet and over-analyzer never mention said ex to Ali?
  • Under what circumstances did he and Nicole break up? Was it right before he went on a reality show or was there some legitimate reason and question in Frank’s mind whether she was the one?

Oh f*ck the bullets. I actually only have one question: Where did Frank find this weird little creature that was basically somehow disintegrating into her own body on the couch in her studio/hotel room while Frank delivered a monotoned passion-less decree of his love for her and why did she take him back so easily and rather strangely, ie “Frank, you need to come home.”? Wait, two more questions. Why was her apartment clean? Why was she not surprised a camera crew was outside her door. One more question, I swear. Why does ABC suck? 

Frank starts out what should be this day of reckoning conversation with all the energy and passion of when my bank calls me at dinnertime to conduct a consumer survey. 

4 Eyes: Ali and I had an amazing thing right from the start. 

(This is where Nicole should say Frank, why are you telling me this? We broke up, remember?) 

Homely Nicole actually says: I have been completely consumed by thoughts of you since you’ve been gone and can’t believe you lived this whole other life without me. Without you I am not happy. It’s sick. You need to come home. 

Frank then tells us with all the passion of my dry cleaner when he says it’s no problem to take the hem down a little bit on my unintentional highwaters, “I’m in love with Nicole and Nicole is the girl I want to be with for the rest of my life. We’re in love and we’re going to live together happily ever after.” As odious as Frank is, it’s nice to see him decisive for once. 

Then Frank declares, natch, he needs to go to (not really) Tahiti personally to tell Ali this new state of affairs. Another plane ticket somewhere awesome courtesy of ABC. I hope their focus groups let them know that the incessant replaying all season of the promo showing Frank making Ali cry in a tropical location seriously diminished the wow factor. 

(Not really) Tahiti is REDONK!

Here in Paradise (for now) we see Ali. She steps off a boat and, you’ll never guess this, gives a little laugh. Her life is hysterical. 

Roberto and Ali’s overnight date

Ali mentions how hot Roberto is. She is as shallow as a guy. Me likey. 

You know what me don’t likey? Roberto’s butt chin. 

But he said “I missed you like crazy” and that got me. That is sweet and genuine. 

But then my temporary good mood is ruined by the 

HELICOPTER 

Is someone doing a helicopter count this season? 

On the helicopter we hear Ali’s voiceover saying something about a journey and amazing and an amazing journey of amazing journeyness. She also says she would be the luckiest woman in the world if Roberto was her husband. Which is Bachelorette/Bachelor code for I am totally not picking that person. I am pretty sure Jake said that about Tenley 15 times an episode. 

You know what also made me crabby? That lagoon was 100% NOT in the shape of a heart. 

Roberto maybe could have lived down that hotel moment where he looked wistfully at his Lion King CD but he’s officially gay carrying that ABC-produced picnic basket. 

WAIT. Holy…are you…what the…huh? 

Ali is inexplicably wearing a bikini consisting of a yellow top and pink bottom. There is nothing fashionable about it. It comes off as a terrible mistake. The show’s stylist totally dropped the ball. And I could barely focus on them almost doing it in the water. 

Later that night sweet butt-chin Roberto says “there’s been something on my mind… no it’s good, it’s good”. He broke the cardinal rule of ABC’s reality tv and soap operas by not allowing for a dramatic intro to his words with everyone hanging on, not knowing which direction he might go. Remember when Jason got down on one knee right before DeAnna finally got to her point about not choosing him? DeAnna is more of an ABC team player. 

Then Roberto says I’m falling in love with you. Am I grinchy or is it a cop-out to say you’re in the falling phase? Couldn’t it just be a yes or no question? 

Ali’s smile then looked fake for some reason. 

Why did Roberto look confused about the date card? He has never seen this show? Too busing selling insurance in Charleston? 

I’m not into Ali’s messy updo. I know I am meant to feel it’s all beachy chic but to me she just looks like a bridesmaid circa 2008. 

“Do you know how cute you are?” says he. Um Roberto, she always calls you Hot and you always call her Cute. Don’t think we ladies don’t notice that shit. 

Yet another segue into a commercial break of Frank confronting Ali

This makes me want to self-harm. 

Chris and Ali’s overnight date

When Ali is waiting for Chris, one big bikini’ed boob is popping out of her cover up. It’s weird and out of place somehow. Chris, being the most real and refreshing and adorable person ever in the history of this show, says “Is this the longest dock ever?!” Marry me, Chris. ME. I will walk Jetty and play on your flip cup team and I will never complain that you never use tongue when you kiss. 

Then Chris says “when the two of us are together,  feel 12.” I am feeling you, Chris. But I think you mean like 10. 12 year-olds are miserable nowadays. They have early onset puberty and acne and get dissed on formspring and hate their parents’ minivans. 

Why are they murdering oysters on this date? 

Of course Ali perks up when jewels become involved. 

I started to get nervous when the Ali voiceover said that pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. But I don’t know, maybe she pulled through at the end of that dumb metaphor. Yes, Chris is a pearl. Or you’re the pearl. Whatever. 

I am not into the tie dye shirt she wore for dinner. 

When they had to walk through the water for their supper I was hoping Ali didn’t get flashbacks to her amazing journey of a water-venued dinner with Frank in Istanbul. 

Chris closes the deal and says “I really see myself with you forever, you know that right?” ALI, PICK CHRIS. HE IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU SO DO IT BEFORE HE REALIZES. 

I always worry when they pull out the fantasy suite card that the person forced to awkwardly read it might be dyslexic or something. So much pressure. I swear every Passover I have to stifle my giggles when some unsuspecting Seder guest ends up saying a bad word in the midst of the story of the Jewish Exodus from Egyptian slavery during some 200 CE. Man that century was a laugh riot anyway! 

Chris tells the camera “Yes I love this girl 100%” and then when they’re kissing declares “God I love you.” I am swooning. I seriously always swoon when someone invokes the name of their Creator during foreplay. 

It must be noted that Ali seemed to genuinely say she would move back to the land of Massholes for Chris and that he is one of the few people ever on this series that actually says he loves the other person. Done and dusted. 

Except for 

Crazeballs Frank ruins everything

So I am going to skip the labored awkward exchange between Frank (why is he so tan/sunburnt if he just got into town?) and Chris Harrison that could not have been more forced. Chris Harrison really doesn’t bother me so much in general but for some reason his peppy ‘tude and aquamarine polo shirt felt so wrong for the gravity of the day. Oh and I liked that Frank was like, “Chris, I have some bad news…” just in case Chris Harrison didn’t sign the expense forms for the camera crew that recently went to Nicole’s studio/hotel room. Chris Harrison then says “I am blown away.” Chris, stop lying. Your job is easy and well-paid. Stay under the radar before anyone gets wind. 

If everyone on ABC’s staff knew that Frank was coming there to pull the Turkish carpet out from under Ali, why would they all let it be so dragged out with her even giddily awaiting Frank in her wayyyy off-the-shoulder aqua top and adorable pink flower in her hair? She had to sit through hair & makeup for no reason? 

Frank is a humongous Douchebag

Who dumps someone the moment their big date is set to start? He deserves cold Chicago. Take that. 

When we see Ali walk up with one bulbousy pink bikini-clad boob popping out (oh Iiiiiii get it- that’s the reverse bikini combo to the mismatched one from yesterday), she does her Ali signature laugh as soon as Frank opens the doors. This is totes not funny Ali, be serious. 

For such an orchestrated show, I would be so pissed if I was Ali to be so blindsided. And with frizzy hair. And a limpy flower in my hair. 

Frank says to Ali: “you’re perfect in every way and you make me feel good about myself.” And therein lies the insurmountable obstacle between them. Ali makes Frank feel good about himself and he HATES feeling good about himself. 

What was with Ali throwing her flip flops 3 inches? And going to give him a hug? Don’t you know Frank is a terrible person? And he is going to have ugly children. He looks like an opossum sometimes. 

Best line of the episode: Frank says “I gave up everything to be here too” and for the next ten minutes I am ROTFLing. ROTFLing so hard.  ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY CRAZY ASS OFF. Compose yourself. Look serious. No, that’s true Frank. It must have been hard to leave your parents’ house and your job at the Nokia phone kiosk at the mall. Now go to Paris and write a screenplay about this experience. 

The other night some friends were saying I am really pale. I have to say though that seeing the bronzed Ali walk dejectedly down the world’s longest dock I felt vindicated for one moment. Sun damage and premature aging can’t buy you love, people. 

Stilted convo with Chris Harrison and then (fake) Rose Ceremony

Wait, why is Ali looking at three photos? Oh right, so she could dramatically turn one over. 

I actually can see why Ali would be all out of sorts now. Frank did her wrong and definitely introduced doubt all around in her own ability to judge a future partner. 

Oh but wait, we learn that Ali’s best friend warned her “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I cannot believe Ali is best friends with Eleanor Roosevelt from beyond the grave! In all fairness, of course Eleanor said that. She was a homely woman married to her cousin. She was projecting. 

The closeup of Ali’s fake eyelashes was too intense for me. 

Miserable Ali tells Chris and Roberto they are not just the last two by default. Weellllll, uh, technically they are. 

And man those guys look spooked when they get told Frank is not there. 

I can’t concentrate though because I just realized, after 200 years of this dumb (addictive) show, the roses for the men are magnetized when placed on their shirts. Oooooooh, squeal, cooooool. 

Scenes for next two weeks

Bora Bora 

The Most Dramatic Season Finale Ever (mmm hmmm) 

For some reason none of Ali’s family/hometown 

Men Tell All show where Frank doesn’t show so ABC has to trot out the most boring story that no one cares about on Earth: Rated R. But my god I am looking forward to seeing the Weatherman.

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35 Comments

Filed under bachelorette episode recap

35 responses to “bachelorette recap: no offense to mousey brunettes everywhere, but nicole? really?

  1. Margaret

    Oh, so I see your love for Frank has finally wanted. Thank goodness! It took both you and Ali a while to catch on to the fact that FRANK BUGS.

    I too, wanted to know the conditions and circumstances of his split with Nicole. What I wouldn’t give to know the behind the scenes info. Believe me, I read spoilers and this wasn’t explained. Frank is an a’hole, but strangely, I believe he’s made the right decision for himself. Yawn. EYE ROLL.

    Ok, Roberto may have a butt-chin, but I love him and he’s super genuine. I also am sympathetic to the fact that he was sweating through all of his shirts the entire show.

    And why does ABC keep making the men walk through water up to their junk and ruin their pants/shorts?

    Chris – thank goodness you’re on the Cape Cod Express! I know he and Ali are kind of awkward, but he seems much more her type than Hottie R. She should snatch him up, and fast. If for nothing more than his father.

    Again, Ali disappoints with the lack of timely, thoughtful responses to people’s genuine communication. Both Roberto and Chris poured their hearts out to her, and she only smiled and kissed them in return. She said NOTHING.

    Frank goes to Tahiti and and another expensive plane ticket has gone to waste…. Let’s all cry together, shall we? I’m over you, FrankSweaterVest. I was literally laughing out loud at his dumping conversation. Yawn. Eye roll. Did they at least get the money back on the sailboat?

    • yael

      I love that you are very concerned about the sailboat. It actually warms my heart, Cap’n. Except my heart does not bleed for ABC’s deep pockets.

  2. I didn’t take notes and I missed the first 10 minutes, but here goes: Ali started with Blender/Food Processor hair. I still don’t get that. I also don’t get where Frank’s girlfriend came from. Lesson to her and to any other female on Planet Earth: PLEASE NEVER SAY under any circumstances “You complete me” to anyone unless you have lost a body part and you are speaking to the surgeon who is giving you a substitute.

    Te amo Roberto. I don’t care if he listens to fruit music. Ali will dump him and he will be the next Bachelor. But, I really did lose it when he said to Ali “No, no, it’s a good thing!” I totally knew then that he knew Frank would dump her. ABC has to be more careful with this stuff.

    Ali said she realized Frank was totally not for her. Good girl. Even though he was “totally not for her” only after he dumped her and she had to change the name on the wedding invitations.

    When Chris and Ali were discussing their future together, why did it go:
    A: I could live on Cape Cod
    C: I could live anywhere, as long as with you
    A: I could so live on Cape Cod
    C: I could so live anywhere, as long as with you

    The roses are magnetized?

    • yael

      I will give Ali credit- she said in her blog that she was going to try and work harder on the hair issue. Apparently there are many people who do not feel that she is putting her best follicle forward.

  3. Nora

    Okay, as you know, I’ve never been a bit fan of Frank (and confession: having read the spoilers), I was looking forward to an entertaining show last night. Sadly, the extraordinary “revelation” didn’t live up to the Rated-R drama. I still crack up when I think of Justin cutting through shrubbery to avoid a confrontation with Ali. On the other hand, the squickiness of the Frank & Nicole conversation left me feeling in need of a shower. My take is that Frank realized that Ali’s insecure, but not insecure enough to feed his own narcissistic ego – and promptly left her for someone willing to listen to him talk about what a great connection he had with Ali…as part of a let’s get back together plea. Uggh.

    On to less unpleasant topics. I have to hand it to Ali: as much as her lack of conversational skills bugs me, it’s actually quite an accomplishment to get through an entire season of being the main character in a show with so little self-disclosure.

    And thank you for mentioning the big FAIL! of Ali’s mismatched suit. I missed most of that scene making snarky comments about the unflattering fashion choices she’s been displaying.

    • yael

      That’s actually a good spin because on my way home from work I was feeling frustrated at her lack of disclosure. Seriously- this is the sh*t I think about when commuting. Tragic.

  4. Faye

    I can’t believe no one has commented on the horrible moomoo dress Ali wore at the rose ceremony! Also, the tie dyed outfit was not that flattering…. Who is the stylist on this show? I LOVE Cape Cod Chris. Trish and I watched the ‘God, I love you’ scene twice. Do you think Ali doesn’t answer the guys confessions of love because she’s not allowed to show which one she likes better? I tried watching for body language, but clearly it seemed she was into both. Are there only two more shows? The guys tell all and then the finale?
    Go Cape Cod Chris!!!!

    • yael

      I am going to have to side with Gillian here and tell you I liked the muumuu Ali was wearing. (And look at me passive aggressively correcting everyone’s spelling! I am such an a-hole.)

      Omg I loved the God, I love you scene too! Next week let’s replay that a few times to get in the mood before the farce that will be The Men Tell All.

  5. mira

    – Roberto was Mr. Sweatycakes the WHOLE episode. Why didn’t someone from ABC throw him a little towel so he could wipe himself. If you watch the rose ceremony closely you’ll see that he didn’t really go in for the full hug/kiss because it was like he knew that he would have dripped all over Ali.

    – In general, do the couples do it in the fantasy suites??? I want to believe no.

    – Laugh Out Loud Moment: The fade-away shot prior to one of the commercials. Ali was in the water and flipped her hair over her head, fade to black. Way too Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

    – If Chris Harrison says one more time “stay tuned for THE MOST DRAMATIC finale ever” I will seriously throw something at the TV. Can’t the writers come up with anything more interesting? Like “Some serious shit is going to go down, do NOT under any circumstances miss the season finale”.

    – For the record I called Cape Cod Chris from episode 1!

    • yael

      I am laughing that you and others were so aware of Roberto’s perspiration! What is wrong with me for not even remotely noticing that?? Even Ali said in her blog (I think) that at the rose ceremony he had to hold a sweat towel the whole time to dry off.

      • mira

        Seriously he was so sweaty in the opening scene that I honestly thought he had just played a really intense game of baseball. No wait people don’t sweat in baseball. Even during their romantical dinner, he was dripping sweat.

    • Danglers

      Really?? I was always under the assumption that they did do it in the fantasy suite. This was also addressed in a SportsGuy mailbag question awhile back. What this has to do with sports, I don’t know, but he seems to have become the clearinghouse for questions like these.

      Q: Don’t you think that the sex in the “final three” episode of “The Bachelor” has to be the best sex ever? Think about it, these women know that not only do they have to sleep with him, but they HAVE to rock his world. I think we need a term for this type of experience, and I can’t think of anyone more qualified to coin one.
      — Brian, Ann Arbor, Mich.

      SG: Why, thank you! Just to recap for people who don’t know the show: When the Bachelor cuts it down to three, he gets overnight dates with each of the girls. At the end of dinner, they open a card that says something like: “Here’s an invitation to spend a night together in our fantasy suite. If you say no, he’s not going to pick you. If you say yes, but you don’t sleep with him, you’re a mortal lock to go home within the next two episodes. If you say yes, and you rock his world, you’re gonna get an engagement ring. No pressure or anything. Good luck.”

      You only get the fantasy suite for one night. Two other girls are getting the same chance. And again, if you don’t let the Bachelor sample the goods, you’re only opening the door for one of your rivals to step in. So what ensues is almost like the NFL scouting combine for sex: Each girl has one night to run a 40, do the shuttle drill and see how much she can bench-press. Embrace the situation and you’re going to win. This season, Vienna the Former Florida Hooters Waitress brought her own nightgown to the fantasy suite, which was almost unfair but turned out to be a stroke of genius. She ended up winning.

      Anyway, we already have a name for this kind of sex: It’s Monster’s Ball Sex. That’s how Halle Berry won the Oscar for “Monster’s Ball,” by throwing herself into the sex scene to the point that the Academy said, “Holy mackerel, are they really doing it?” (“MAKE ME FEEL GOOD! MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!” Settle down, Halle, we’ll give you the Oscar! Put some clothes on!) I think that’s what happens in the fantasy suite: The girls go Monster’s Ball on him. And by the way, there’s nothing funnier than the angry look on someone’s face when they get voted off with three to go. The perfect mix of revulsion, regret and self-loathing. I am not a regular “Bachelor” guy but always make sure the Sports Gal tells me when the “three girls left” episode is on. MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

      • yael

        I am speechless. Keep these coming. Although Ali claimed she and Roberto were up talking the whole night!

  6. becky

    I think someone may have mentioned this already but my husband and I decided that Frank couldn’t take the uncertainty and was too insecure so that’s why he opted to go back to his mousy exgf. But I think it was so awkward and weird and forced that this happened out of NOWHERE this late in the show. We missed something or something was orchestrated. I will google the hell out of this after the show is over. Also Frank is a DRAMA QUEEN. I sorta think Ali was going to pick him if he had stayed based on her reaction.

    Also did anyone else notice that Frank packed very heavily for a guy coming to Tahiti for an hour? I hate Frank – such a drama queen.

    Totally on Team Chris right now but I fear Ali is going to pick Roberto who bores the living daylights out of me.

    I thought Ali was way too nice to Frank. She should have thrown her shoes AT him and not hugged him.

    Isn’t it illegal to steal pearls out of oysters?

    Ali had some serious boob action in this episode.

    I liked Chris’ dressing better in this episode. Did anyone else notice he and Ali were wearing shoes when walking through the ocean? Probably a legal thing. Sorry, not a very interesting point.

    • yael

      I’m lol’ing that you’re going to google the hell out of something. It sounds so violent and yet so necessary.

    • mira

      Roberto bores the crap out of me too. I find it lovely that he salsa dances but that’s only going to get him so far.

  7. One more thing about the oysters:I found that completely disgusting. Why is ripping the life out of a living creature just for what’s inside supposed to be romantic?

    And, maybe the “most dramatic finale ever” will be Ali, Roberto, and Chris in a helicopter, and Ali pushes Roberto out.

  8. Margaret

    Oh Mira, YES!!! I laughed out loud at the hair-flipping-backwards-part. That was RIDICULOUS. And I also wondered about the legality of the oyster slaughter. Some of you lawyer people, get on it.

  9. sonjey

    This season has been one big question mark for me. Simply said, I loved Ali and thought she would make an interesting bachelorette, (spunky and cute….Yael, some of her expressions and looks remind me of you! But I think we all agree……….. she is a little boring and we are tired of hearing that nervous giggle/laugh all episode long? (unlike Yael) Do I like Ali or not?

    Now, I’m just not over the moon for either Chris or Roberto….
    Roberto has always been one of my favorites, sweet and so cute…. butt chin is adorable! but his sweatiness was a total turnoff. It is the most uncomfortable thing to look at, let alone feel on another person…….I felt so sorry for him during the rose ceremony. Do I still Hubba Hubba for Roberto?
    Chris is adorable…. but again…. just not fully finishing any sentences…. Is he nervous on camera?…. When he muttered, “God, I love you”… I thought…. You’re a gonner!!!! Too soon, buddy!
    Again, lacking in the personality department. Do I think Ali will go back to her hometown?

    Maybe Ali can just laugh and Chris can just look at her and profess his love and tell her she reminds him of his mother… A match made in heaven….

    What’s with all the RED suitcases coming and going….. also a bit much for a guy to be strolling one!! I agree with all…Frank was a total jerk, but I knew something was up with him based on the People mag article I read a few weeks ago….. I could not believe that scene with Nicole…. so rehearsed…..
    Tahiti is on my bucket list… i want to walk on water … I mean in water to luxury..The water looks beyond ice blue…..Can’t wait to see more when Eat, Pray, Love comes out..
    So my question is….. can we blog the Bachelor Pad Show on all the bad guys, good guys, weatherman, etc.?????

    • yael

      Sonj, I 100% agree with you on the red suitcases. They have been bugging me. I think they must get given to participants of the show, sort of like when your bank gives you a travel coffee mug or your office gives you a messenger bag. (Speaking of messenger bag, anyone have a guesstimate on how many Frank owns?)

      And yes, yes, yes. We all MUST debrief Bachelor Pad each week. Weatherman is on it!

  10. kyle

    Great stuff!

    Ok so this is my first time ever commenting on a blog. I am nervous, sweating even a la Roberto in not really Tahiti, but I can’t sit back and say nothing about a cause so near and dear to my heart.

    I was so excited to watch this hyped up episode and even thought it *might* really be the most dramatic Bachelorette ever. Sadly though, I give it a big FAIL. The Frank thing was so out of left field (pardon the baseball reference otherwise reserved for Roberto) that I found myself not caring…like at all. Who is this girl? How can Frank go from being Whiney McGee, loving Ali and not wanting to share her, to dumping her in Paradise? Why is the ex girlfriend in a hotel room pretending to be surprised to see him (and his discreet camera crew)? Why is she ripping off lines from Jerry McGuire? Plus, no offense Nicole, but major downgrade. You blew your chance, Frank. Have fun folding v-neck sweaters at the GAP. At least you get an “amazing” discount on your emo-wear.

    Roberto has made me love butt chins dripping with sweat. There I said it. I found him really genuine too, oh except for that horrid opening sequence. I threw up a little when he picked up that Lion King CD and sort of laughed/smiled/reminisced. Or when he was laying on the bed with the baseball in his hand pondering life, love and what not. Don’t quit your day job, Roberto. I do not see a stint on Walker Texas Ranger or Drop Dead Diva in your future. You are no Jake.

    Maybe that is why the helicopters don’t bother me this season? Jake is not in them or flying them.

    Ali’s hair. It looks like walk of shame hair to me half the time.

    Chris. NOT Chris Harrison, the hardest working man in show business, but Chris L. I adore him and he is hot without trying. Actually, he may be actively trying NOT to be hot (see most rose ceremony outfits/attire).

    Finally, I agree on the lacking back story and blame ABC’s editing. “What the face” (plug for the fabulous Modern Family) is going on? Who are these people? What is the timeline? Enquiring minds want to know!

    Bring on Bachelor Pad.

    • yael

      Kyle, I am with Becky. Your contribution (as always) is worth its weight in blood pearls.

      Also, it’s worth noting that it feels so right that your blog commenting virginity was lost to Frank, Chris and Roberto. I think that’s how the universe wanted it.

      Finally, A-Gree that Nicole is a major downgrade. Which might sound mean. But I 100% am referring to her personality.

  11. Gillian

    Spoiler Alert!! Just kidding, I don’t read the spoilers, but I’ve taken to saying that really loudly to my husband whenever I see a car with a really big spoiler on the freeway and it just cracks me up…him not so much.

    Anyway, good stuff. All of your comments carry more weight on a blog somehow.

    Totally agree re the barbaric-ness of the oyster massacre although I continue to be fasinated with the fact that there were really pearls in there. That’s crazy. Is that normal? Were those planted by ABC? Do you think she will have some earrings made? She only got three, she really should have tried to find one more for symmetry-sake

    Totally agree re how uncomfortable I get right before they read the fantasy suite card. I’m just certain someone is going to struggle with the word “forgo” and I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I think one year someone did stumble and I’ve had PTSD ever since.

    Those fantasy suites weren’t very fantastic.

    Aqua-socks are super unromantic.

    Totally DIS-agree re the moo moo dress, Faye. I kind of loved it!

    I felt so bad for Ali during the Frank stuff. Even her flower was sad. I actually think it was even more sad to see her get teary the following day. Stupid Frank. Stupid ABC.

    That’s all I got really because I didn’t take notes and the rest was kind of boring, but yay Cape Cod Chris. I know in my heart of heart’s that you guys aren’t right for each other and it will never work, but I still really want you to win!!

  12. Jenny

    I’ve told my husband since day 1 that Frank is a loser living with his parents in the middle of nowhere Illinois folding sweaters at the GAP.

  13. becky

    Kyle, that was a great first blog comment. I am LOLing (and I never use that word, in fact, that may be my first time ever).

  14. yael

    Whoa… I think that was just a record for commenting. Sorry everyone, just got overzealous.

    FYI- you can “reply” to a comment right beneath it if you want to address a comment/person directly. The internets are so crazy.

  15. Seriously uncanny how closely these comments matched ours when my friends and I watched on Monday. Fun fact: Mike Stag’s twin brother is now my co-worker! Haven’t gotten the nerve yet to ask about Deanna…

    • yael

      netanya, PLEASE tell the Stag twins I heart them very much! You are so lucky to work with a barely-celebrity.

      When I was watching Jillian’s season I has a severe crush on Mike. And then I just assumed America would feel the same and he would be the next Bachelor. And then we got Jake instead. I need say no more about that travesty of reality tv decisions.

      Anyway, maybe you will become besties with DeAnna : )

  16. Amy

    Everything has been covered so well, I am not sure there is much I can add. However, it is worth noting that after I spent the whole two hours saying how much I love Chris L while I watched the show on Monday night, my husband did four hours of landscaping on Tuesday night after work. Coincidence? I think not.

    While I agree that Roberto is hot, I just can’t get over how boring he is. It reminds me of boring Jeremy from Deanna’s season.

    • yael

      Oooh I forgot about Boring (Robotic) Jeremy- good call.

      I am laughing about your husband doing landscaping. Maybe after next week he will also come home with a Dennis bracelet.

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