There was very little child neglect involved in the writing of this email. So thank you for your patience.
Scenes for the episode about to air
Frank is talking about mind games.
I like how Ali zipped up and began to wheel her miniature red suitcase out of the hotel room. It might have been more realistic if she was trying to wheel two overstuffed bags, arguing with the front desk about not realizing the bottle of water she drank was charged with the minibar and looked around before stealing little shampoos from the housekeeping cart in the hallway.
Roberto’s hometown – Tampa, FL
So the big scary van pulls up, Ali gets out, and – wait for it – laughs. So weird. She never nervously laughs constantly about everything including even things that aren’t funny. Plus, the opposite of what I just said.
This is where we notice she and Roberto are both wearing plaid. That’s probably when I first should have known Kirk was a goner. Plaid was their thing!!
So Ali says she was told to wear shorts and that they were doing something active but she has no idea what. It never crossed her mind that Roberto is a BASEBALL PLAYER, mmm hmmm. It would have been awesome if they met up and he was like, let’s shoot some hoops.
But yes, I will take the bait. Roberto looked smokin’ hot in the uniform. Although Ali says seeing a man in a baseball uniform is the sexiest. Girlfriend, did you WATCH the World Cup?! But then Roberto pulled out the oldest trick in the book about helping Ali swing the bat by holding her tight from behind. You know what’s sad? No one has ever done that for me. I am pretty sure ten years ago my husband took me to the batting cages at Upton Hill in Arlington and was like barking orders at me from behind the chain link fence while baseballs were whizzing past my face. Lean into it. LEAN IN TO IT.
Thank god ABC blurred out all the stadium ads on the inside of the field. I might have otherwise been tempted to buy a car from a dealership in TAMPA, FLORIDA.
You know what’s also the oldest trick in the book? Giving a girl your own baseball card. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me…
I think the family needs an interior decorator for that trophy room. Has anyone ever seen a trophy room that was in good taste? These are important issues we’re grappling with here.
Sit down with Roberto, Sr.: He asked Ali job interview questions like “What are some of your personal goals?” and she gave good Ali-like responses like wanting to make team/family decisions.
But none of that matters because HOLY BATMAN, ROBERTO’S MOM LOOKS 19. What is going on???? Guess what, I would not ever, ever, marry a man whose mother looked younger than me and had those redonkulous legs and calves (my mother-in-law is reading this…you’re hot too!) And oh snap, that dancing!
Nutshell: Roberto is genuine, on fire hot, and way too young to get married. Hot 26 year-old men don’t get married.
Chris’s hometown – Cape Cod, MA
(I hate names that end in S so you have to get all nervous about adding another S for a possessive)
Cape Cod makes me want to die it’s so charming. DIE. Was there a location scout for the filming of this segment? The beach, the drizzly rain, the shingles on the houses. And he even has the black lab. Come ON!
Ali arrives in the scary, dark van. Chris says to the camera “I just wanna run around in circles when Ali’s around” and thus begins my potentially lifelong love affair with Chris. I admit, he is a sleeper hit to me. I always knew he had a folksy and funny charm but now I sort of want to move in to his dad’s house and marry every single member of the family.
And I am guessing I am not the only one who intermittently cried throughout this entire segment. The mom pictures all over the house. How much the mom is respected and revered and loved and missed. The fact that it appears she was the most perfect human being to ever live. Holy. I just kept wanting to make out with Chris but I guess that is inappropriate when someone is talking about their dead mother.
I thought it was cute when they pretended to be husband and wife on the porch. That’s the thing about Chris. His humour is so top-notch but so natural. He is low key and hilarious. The yang to my ying. Fine, I know this email isn’t about me. But let’s make it about me, shall we? That would be so fun. Chris and I can live on the Cape and walk dogs on the beach and drink white Belgian beers and kiss like woodpeckers. I totally want those sisters-in-law too. I will happily also be his dad’s “roommate”. I will even be willing each night at dinner to talk about love and soulmates and “love is the only reality” and wear a Dennis bracelet. I will wear a Dennis anklet. I will wear a Dennis necklace. I will get a Dennis tattoo. I don’t care, just let me make out atop of a little stone tower.
So back to the cute sisters-in-law. So sweet and protective… but dare I say it? They both look like the dead mom.
Also, Chris is the hottest of his brothers. Roberto was hottest of his too. It always happens like that on this show. The average brothers have to give the boring interviews and the hot ones get to live in LA and fly all over the world. And people say looks will only get you so far in life. Ha! My looks have gotten me very far. So if you want to know how privileged it is to be this attractive, just contact me and I will break it down for you.
Hearing the dad talk about love and how Chris is his first-born and that makes him so special and all these perfect in-laws and all mom references… it makes me want to read the spoilers. Because I just know somehow Ali is not going to rescue this family.
I need to stop crying about Chris’s perfect mom. YAEL, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. Sniff sniff snort. Okay, we’re almost on the the next date.
But then, Chris starts kissing Ali on the tower and says “Damn you’re cute.”
Nutshell: And I am officially a goner.
And I am guessing Kirk is about to be one too.
Kirk’s hometown – Green Bay, WI x 2
“Well Ali, would you like to see my basement?” HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HEAR/SEE THIS CREEPY PROMO? And now, looking back, ABC sucks. I agree the taxidermy was crazycakes but the dad (who also looked 19 at first) was actually a really nice guy. And maybe once the show realized that Kirk gets shitcanned, it should have spared the family some un-needed embarrassment.
Sorry, back to Green Bay, WI. How do you think the residents feel about the opening montage of the city with fiddly square dance music playing in the background? I honestly was offended on behalf of the entire Midwest for that unprovoked and baseless stereotyping. That was until Grandma’s cheesy potatoes later. Look Midwest, you sort of do it to yourself.
Plus, Kirk says things like “holy cow!” Which is so cute but you can’t be dating a Facebook employee with that G-rated mouth.
Now moving on to Things That Are Depressing.
- Growing up changing houses for divorced parents that don’t speak to each other
- When ABC puts subtitles on for when you’re speaking
- Wearing braces on your teeth in your sixties
It’s a little strange that Kirk’s dad has never spent a day with one of his girlfriends. I find that sad actually. And then of course they break down that barrier with the girl that’s going to dump him. Sigh. Sister was right about bro not giving girl the scrapbook on night one.
Why did dad have to act so creepy about the basement? That was weird. Also, the basement was weird. I would say taxidermy is weird but without I guess we wouldn’t have natural history museums or um, that dog I loved on Scrubs.
Ali’s face is PRICELESS during her tour of dead animals. She is even polite and asks questions about things like a caribou foot with eyes on it (um, why?).
What the hell is in the freezer?
More importantly, why does stepmom have a crazy monotone voice?
The dad says “gal” a lot which is cute. Oh Midwest! Also, their heart-to-heart is amongst the stuffed animals. And by animals I mean dead ones.
Now on to the next divorced parent house.
Cheesy potatoes. Did you notice Grandma was NOT messin’ around about them? They were all trying to discuss important things like chemistry and love and the process and journey and Grandma was all, PASS THE CHEESY POTATOES. So my problem, I guess, with cheesy potatoes is that the name just doesn’t seem that creative. (Recipe here)
At one point Kirk described Ali as magnetic. He gets points for having a descriptive vocabulary beyond “amazing”. Ding ding ding. And what do your points win you, Kirk? Well no, not the girl of your dreams. But they do win you…
A mother with a body that JUST. WON’T. QUIT!
I really hope you all aren’t questioning my sexuality. I am quite partial to the menfolk. But what is with the MILFy bodies on this show???! I get so pissed when people twice my age have better bodies. It just makes me want to throw some cheesy potatoes at the wall.
And if there was ever a question of who might be getting the boot, Ali’s body language when getting in the van and pulling away from Kirk said it all. She’s just not that into him. And this after the emotional roller coaster back on the Portuguese castle. I didn’t necessarily see it coming. He was her make-out buddy after all.
Nutshell: Wear sunscreen, Kirk. And don’t wear your Lance Armstrong bracelet for just anyone.
Frank’s hometown – (not Paris) Chicago, IL (but actually a far-out suburb with silos and barns but still in the state of Illinois)
Now you might be thinking that my new found obsession with Chris means I have forgotten about my one true love, Frank. Monsieur and Madame would be incorrect. I, like many Bachelorettes before me, am in love with two men. Even Frank’s crazy tirades about mind games and processes and all his military jackets can’t turn me away.
Now speaking of body language. Ali is IN LOVE with this man. She went running to him as soon as she saw him. She never has his hands off of him. She often tries to kiss him first. She easily gives him the most verbal assurances that he’s the one. And ABC. And us.
Boring “candid” photo montage… boring river cruise…
And then we head to his parents’ house. Yet another suburban McHome were the garage takes up the entire front facade. Somewhere Frank Lloyd Wright is turning over in his grave.
But I am just being a bitch. Because, let’s be honest, for all Frank’s moodiness and despair his family is refreshingly happy and nice.
When Ali said “I think there’s a really good possibility Frank and I will end up together at the end of this” I started checking out my toenails to see which ones needed a little trim. I tune out when ABC treats me like I have the IQ of a Peruvian alpaca. Plus, I really need a pedi.
Nutshell: Frank is going to ruin Tahiti so who cares.
Sit down with Chris Harrison
Ali didn’t seem to be able to answer the question: Is your husband among these men?
I know some of you read the spoilers and you’re laughing at me right now.
Wait, is Frank wearing a suit fleece?
Ali’s pink dress is cute. Too bad she is miserable. It was classy though for her to say the decision had nothing to do with their families. (But in retrospect, she had to say that because we were all going to blame the underage taxidermist and his scary wife and their surprisingly normal adopted daughter.)
Kirk has never been dumped. Look on the bright side, Kirk. It gives you texture as a human. Plus, you can become a famous musician now.
Ali didn’t give him an adequate explanation for why but I am just going to go on a limb and say it was the blond eyelashes. WHO LIKES BLOND EYELASHES?! No one, that’s who.
And Kirk still thanked her. Class act until the bitter end. Which is why it irked me so much more when Ali pouted and asked for a hug before he got in the getaway vehicle. Not classy, lady. He is a shell of a man. He doesn’t want to smell you up close and feel your chest heaving against him.
The twisting of the knife was when ONE MILLISECOND later Ali is laughing, clinking champagne glasses and squealing that they were all off to Tahiti. I really hope Kirk didn’t watch tonight’s episode or he might projectile vomit all his cheesy potatoes.
Promos for next week
I see a helicopter.