bachelorette recap: STOP INTERRUPTING ME

(went as a Pilot last Hallowe'en)

And then we’re off.

Probably we all just want to talk about the Jake and Vienna trainwreck. But I think we owe it to the nicest group of Bachelors in Bachelorette history to do a little debrief, shall we.

This was the first episode where I actually decided Ali is cute and pretty. You’re welcome. Also no weirdos or enemies amongst the remaining five. ABC must have realized the folly of having well-adjusted and kind people taking up an entire two hours so they compressed all that goodness into one hour and then brought out Jake’s wax likeness and his Stepford Wife for the final hour. They keep interrupting. Sorry. Back to five cute and nice (albeit all slightly damaged save for Roberto) guys.

Roberto’s date

How awesome was Frank’s face when Roberto’s name was called for the date? I did love that Frank busted out some madras shorts in the pointless opening montage of the episode. What does Chris’ blurred out t-shirt say? Why does Frank think Ty is his biggest competitor? Random. Frank, stop interrupting my debrief on Roberto.

The “candid” digital pics were cute. If not hopelessly un-candid. Ali speaks Portuguese? A woman of so many talents. Like laughing and marketing. And laughing. And marketing. Also, Lisbon is just like San Francisco. They both have cable cars. So don’t bother flying all the way there when you can have a staycation in the dirty, homeless, drug-addled intersection of Haight and Ashbury.

I kind of agree that Roberto must be harboring some deep, dark secret like he’s a cross-dresser or has seen every episode of One Tree Hill or bought Sarah Palin’s autobiography. There is no way he can be that Perfect-y. Which is the kiss of death on this show anyway, right? Remember who also used to be Perfect? Jake the ex-pilot. Jake, stop interrupting my Roberto debrief.

So Ali says “You’re not really this nice” and “I’m not used to as good as you.” And scene.

Two-on-One with Ty and Frank

Brutal all around. Everyone hated it. The MOMENT I saw the helicopter, my body had a visceral reaction akin to seeing a mouse. Fear, revulsion, despair. I beg and plead you, ABC, no. more. helicopters. I will buy every product from every commercial you air from now on even though I never see commercials because I watch this show on Slingbox or iTunes, if you never show a helicopter again.

Frank was so antsy. I almost wanted to reach through the computer, grab him by his delicate collarbone and say FRANK, YOU WILL MAKE IT TO TAHITI, CHILLAX.

Important question: why would you fly to a breathtaking castle and then eat dinner in a small, claustrophobic, random, poorly-appointed with tchotchkes room? I would have said, eff this ABC, take me to an outdoor cafe STAT. Why else go to Europe if you cannot dine alfresco? A. Nnoying.

So back to that awkward dinner… what was with the green felt tablecloth? I kept waiting for them to play a round of Texas Hold ‘Em.

Sooooo now that we know the end of the show, this seems a bit pointless but I’ll ask anyway: did anyone else read between the lines when Ty was saying his parents would have to “trust him” if he brought someone like Ali home? Now I am dying to meet this family that so violently opposes a woman working. I guess I probably should have known he was a goner then. Or when he used “tickles” as a verb to mean delights or amuses.

Now to Frank and his super-close family. Is it wrong that I would love to date a guy that still lives with his parents? I feel like they would make me dinner and do my laundry too. And then my man would have lots of disposable income to buy me meals at Cheesecake Factory and all the earrings I want from Claire’s Boutique. And his place would never smell bad.

Oh Frank. I love you. You said “I was in Europe for awhile”. Remember, it was a few months. That’s not awhile. How long will his transition period be? Why did Ali leave home before 18? Omg she has a back story that I will never get to hear through her constant nervous staccato laughter.

Also, I want to live in a treehouse with Frank and make out with him. Frank, stop interrupting my daydream of making out with you.

Kirk’s date

He’s wearing plaid again! He still doesn’t have a sunburn and therefore looks cute! He is so nice!

When Ali was being so lame and morose and distracted all day, I just wanted to shake her and say, Ali, this is your make-out buddy- REMEMBER?? And then voila, she remembered at dinner and then they made out and she was happy.

So dinner. What on earth was with her tragic white business suit jacket and business suit hairdon’t? N to the o.

How sweet that Kirk said he is deserving of love. For shizzle, Kirk. For shizzle.

Quick pan to the boys’ hotel room

Sometimes Frank looks like a Leprechaun.

Frank, stop interrupting the dates by looking like a Leprechaun.

Chris’s date

The moment this date started I thought Chris was a goner. The big, goofy white tennis shoes. The goofy demeanor. The fact that he’s a landscaper to Ali’s Marketing Professional. The painfully slow moped driving.

But maaaaan, they turned that one around! My first genuine laugh all season was them on that scooter with Chris at the helm. I did feel that it’s a little unfair to ask him about his mom A-gain. It’s his kryptonite. He gets awkwardly choked up the way guys do who don’t like to cry or be serious.

When Chris was saying he takes a while to open up, I definitely had a momentary feeling of ‘but then why are you on this godforsaken speed-dating show?” but luckily I was disabused of my crabby attitude when, wait for it, HE BUSTED OUT THE DENNIS BRACELET. Oh no you dit-int, Chris.

I would practically marry that Cape Codian myself if he didn’t kiss like a woodpecker. I am still worried about that. That’s no way to make out, buster.

Rose Ceremony inexplicably sans cocktail party

You know what I officially decided I do not like? That spooky music that begins the rose ceremony segment. Rose ceremonies are awkward and sad. Not spooky though. Except the one with Kermit the Kasey Tattoo. Kasey, stop interrupting this rose ceremony.

Ali’s dress is fabs. Even if she’s wearing white shoes. But her dress totally makes up for her business suit the day before.

Going into this rose ceremony, I swear on the life of my Cabbage Patch Kid, Marcy (aka Marceline Dorothy) I had no idea who Ali was going to pick. I love that I didn’t know. But then as the roses were handed out I began to envision flashbacks of Ty’s thinly-veiled yesteryear misogyny and I realized it would be he.

And you know how I feel about Ty’s departure? Relieved. Because probably they aren’t meant for each other. Also- Sad. Because I will miss his cute, sexy Southern-ness and he was sexy Southern even in his limo confessional. Ahhh… even Ali looked super forlorn to say goodbye to that cute cocky-ness, those ears, the guitar-playing, that accent.

Lame editing by ABC. Why is she holding a piece of paper in her hand? We have to read her dumb blog to find out they were the lyrics of the song he wrote her.

Also, as soon as Ty drove away I became obsessively plagued with the question of whose father then had dead, taxidermied animal heads in his house- if not Ty’s? Well it serves me right for stereotyping Southerners…

Scenes/Previews/Upcoming

Looks like Kirk got asbestosis from the mysterious substance his father uses to fill and mount dead animal heads.

Roberto wearing a baseball uniform- yes cute. His dad subtly suggesting Ali isn’t good enough for his hot, Latin offspring- mean.

Chris and Ali on Cape Cod look steamy together. I would eat clam chowda for that shiznit, and I hate seafood.

Frank is talking about mind games. Yawn.

Jake and Vienna pointless painful train wreck that ABC is now complicit in

I would be very, very interested to hear everyone’s opinions here. My brain is incapable of processing what I want to say so I am going to have to resort to bullets:

  • Why is the break-up chat with Chris Harrison held in the out-of-doors?
  • I like how Chris said “the break-up we are all talking about”. We are?
  • Jake as a fame whore, not an actual pilot, trying to be an actor, cold-hearted to Vienna’s family = yes, I believe all of the aforementioned. Which then means that Vienna, whatever else her cracked out brain possesses, doth speaketh a bit of truth.
  • If we compare body language and facial expressions, Vienna is real (albeit real in an immature and misguided and fiery way) and Jake is an android. Who is also definitely a fame whore.
  • I have a lot of trouble with the fact that Vienna took money for an interview because obviously this puts her credibility into question. But then she has not been able to work and is basically from a trailer park where it’s probably okay to take money to tell the truth. So in that sense, the fact that she was paid doesn’t make me think she is lying.
  • If she’s lying, the truth will come out in a “poly-a-graph” test anyway.
  • Note to my husband who is sadly not reading this: if I ever threaten to break up with you because you don’t kiss me enough, shoot me. Put me out of my misery.
  • Here are the most awesome things about this episode: Twitter was mentioned! GPS was mentioned! Vienna’s dog’s potty training was mentioned! Talk about product placement!
  • Why did a cancer charity slum it and hire Vienna? Poor kids.
  • Jake: “What guy in America wants to be with a woman who undermines him?” That’s when I spit some of my Rice-A-Roni out. Why did he specifically focus on America? Why can’t we discuss the machismo in say, I don’t know, Ecuador?

It all makes sense now. Back when they were in love, Jake always defended his choice of Vienna by saying “she supports me”. Which I now realize is a euphemism for she is subservient and docile and will never use GPS.

BABY, BE QUIET WHILE I AM TALKING.

And now, I turn it over to you.

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