bachelorette recap: these predictable rose ceremonies are starting to get predictable

This recap is brought to you by olive oil. Don't even THINK about diluting its good name.

Sometimes I just don’t even know where to begin. Do I start with Rated R? Or the scenes (aka spoilers) for the rest of the season? And what about these rose ceremonies that have as much mystery as a rom com ending?

I might as well just go chronological (by editing at least – more on that later).

The intro begins with scenes from the scoundrel with the girlfriend. I was trying to guess who from his back but I could only rule out Ty cause I saw no big ears.

Istanbul, Turkey. I have been there too. In 2007. I went to every site Ali had a date at except the oil wrestling locale. If you’ve ever spent time in lines in the airport in Istanbul behind women in burqas, you will wonder why they ever allowed such filth to be filmed in their country. I am guessing Ali had to keep her behavior Rated G. Not….

RATED R. Hilarious, I know.

So first the guys get let into their hotel suite and let out the obligatory “oh wow” even though it was lacking in any charm at all and overlooked a highway. ABC must be pinching pennies these days. And they know a dollar stretches farther in Istanbul than LA.

All of the sudden we’re treated to Jesse/Jessie from Jake’s season. She was the tattletale, remember? They’re always doomed. So the fact that she happens to be sitting on a couch next to “Jessica” and they’re both tarted up for the camera crew chez Jesse/Jessie leads me to believe that Toronto has an incestuously small community of vapid attractive people that all try out for The Bachelor/Bachelorette and scheme and plot how to stand out.

So I had major issues with how long the phone was ringing before Jessie picked up. She knew Chris Harrison was calling- why did it ring twenty times? That was weird.

Then we find out the bombshell…blah blah blah… Justin has a girlfriend. Which is the now standard plot fare for this franchise. Which then begs the question: is ABC purposefully casting for these creeps for the drama factor (even though it’s actually so boring) or DOES ABC NOT ACTUALLY VET ANY OF THE CAST? And if that’s the case, what is that about? How hard is it to ask a few family and friends if someone basically has a fiancee back home? Only because all this time we could have had Weatherman on, you know?

When Ali said “this is the most important thing I am ever going to do in my life”, I almost spit my hummus all over my 1-year old son. I hope she never has children if that’s how she feels about reality tv.

Hilarious moment: Chris had a picture of Justin and Jessica on his iPhone with a cool red iPhone cover.

How did Limpy run away from the scene so fast? Why did he say, “don’t touch me”. I am smelling some DV in his future. Jessica, watch your back.

I thought it was cool in Ali’s quick debrief after the two-timing debacle that the crew still had time to light all the voltive candles behind her. It’s the small things.

Oh yeah, one more thing about all this: if I ever confront a guy about him having a secret girlfriend somewhere, I really hope his mea culpa isn’t that she is just his “best friend”. cause you know, guess what? I don’t want my husband’s best friend to look like a porn star with a porn star name. Call me cuckoo.

Craig says: I hope that turkey is gobbling back home to Canada. Craig, for someone that speaks and uses words for a living (according to you), I know you can do better.

TY ONE-ON-ONE

So, here’s the thing, I have been to that exact Turkish bath they went to. It’s in all the guide books. And actually, women are allowed in despite what the crazy blonde says. Also, usually there are like 50 people in the room getting painful soapy rub-downs (in the PG-rated sense) from overweight hairy Turkish women. They are painful. It’s painful chaos. Nothing like the steamy massage date Ali and Ty had.

He gets points though for saying that her ambition etc. is sexy and becoming. He didn’t use the adjective “amazing”. Oh but then he lost points when he got super cagey about his divorce. Turned out it was because, in a nutshell, he forgot to go back in a time machine and marry a woman from 1935. Oh wait, that was during the Great Depression and his wife would have been working in the munitions factory. Okay, 1955. Where do they find these people? “Women are the presidents of companies now!” Greatest Bachelorette quote of all time.

(Interlude: what is the weird hat Craig is wearing when our trusty camera crew pans quickly back to the boys getting their date card?)

GROUP DATE

Kirk has just grown on me like nobody’s business (clever when he said he would return the favor on the oil rub-down) but argyle is not right for Turkey. Is all I’m sayin’. During that Turkish music, the horn looked like a vuvuzela. Also, why was Chris L wearing a blanket? That is the opposite of sexy. Look at me! I am so traditional about gender roles I could be Ty’s wife!

This season goes down as worst. group. dates. ever.

Back at the ranch Frank is STILL complaining even though he has the next one-on-one. What is his damage??

SPECIAL CRAIG TIME

I am sure I was not alone when I thought that Ali was probably disappointed Craig won the olive oil wrestling. And then our suspicions were confirmed when she gave the most obvious body language ever thoughout the date that she wasn’t feeling romantic. Although ironically this is when lawyer dude is growing on me. His Philly accent is cute and he’s light-hearted (opposite of Frank-o) and positive. I am surprised that since he’s a lawyer for a living he couldn’t deduce that Ali was not into him. Also have you noticed sometimes when Ali stares when someone is talking her eyes look like a Mogwai’s?

FRANK’S DATE

Where is a he a retail manager for? PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME. But not if you have been reading realitysteve. You know I feel ignorance is bliss here.

I finally noticed that Frank has a Jason Mesnick smile. Also he said he could “shop with Ali all day long”. Further proof that he needs to be my boyfriend too.

You know that “paradise” of carpet sales? They really do that in Istanbul- corner you in their little shop. Painful flashback.

The poet says “you steal my heart”. Not bad.

Okay here is my major, major issue. In one of the quick flashes to one of the guy’s during Frank’s date, on camera Craig says “I think Frank is in trouble.” But see, he is wearing a jacket and tie when he says it. Soooo either he taped it before the rose ceremony which doesn’t make sense because Frank already had a rose or he taped it weeks ago and then that is shady.

ROSE CEREMONY SANS COCKTAIL HOUR

I love when Kirk said to the camera “I could be on the chopping block”. As if, buddy. You had asbestosis, remember?

At the end of the day it sucks to be the one guy who the bachelorette is SO SURE that she doesn’t like that she cancels the cocktail. All in all Craig handled it classy like a lawyer.

Now that Justin is gone, we truly are down to nice guys. except…

COMING ATTRACTIONS

What does ABC have up its sleeve? I don’t know. But based on its showing of the hometown dates and Tahiti, it looks like Chris is the next person booted off. So really what’s the point of watching next week? Oh, because I have never been to Lisbon. And also because I haven’t heard Roberto speak in three episodes.

What says you?

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