bachelorette recap: the episode where Chris N finally (regrettably) speaks

It’s crazy to see a helicopter on this show.

This was my third episode in a row watching with my mom. Bliss. She leaves London tomorrow and that makes me sad. Who will have a running commentary in my ear while I watch the show next week?

I need to mention I have been to Iceland. Reykjavik to be exact. Therefore my bullsh*t antenae is on the ready.

Okay Ali wears a goofy hat and so do all the men. I feel like I am already going to hate this episode. But honestly, I bet I would wear one of those hats too. If I wasn’t spending all my time at the 66° North store. Sorry, inside Iceland joke.

The love poem thing was boring and dumb and I thought it was mean they had to write them outside. Too cold.

Now here is what skeeved me a bit about Frank (who I still want to make out with). At various points he said: “I’ve written a number of love poems in my day.” “I love writing love poems. I am pretty good at it.” Why has he written so many love poems? No girl wants to hear that. He then takes it one step further and in his actual poem mentions his ex who he was in love with. Which is not only a turn-off but also now we know he lied when he mentioned he moved to Paris to write a screenplay. He actually went for love (poems). Also, I would still make out with him.

Chris N the entrepreneur finally, finally, finally speaks on an episode. And what we get is a bizarre, stilted, memorized “poem” where he is staring intensely while reciting it. This is where I get PO’ed at ABC. Am I supposed to believe Chris N is weird and mute and then bursts out with non sequiturs later on like “I like Mexican food” and Ali kept him all this time? No- it’s editing. Curses.

At this point in the episode Kasey says if he can just have one-on-one time with Ali, he will be able to (1) show his tattoo (2) see Ali’s heart and (3) she can see his heart. Then he tells us he wrote from his heart and Ali will get to hear his heart. And I have a revelation. Kasey needs to become a surgeon. So he can see hearts. It’s his calling. Also I laughed that the guys said he was mumbling and needed subtitles. You think?

Craig R the lawyer/bar mitzvah DJ used the word “journey” twice in his poem. Respect.

Kirk, who I know will forever be a fan favorite for almost dying of asbestosis and yes I love him too, used the word “journey” in his poem, walked towards Ali and then mentioned her… ROOT BEER EYES?????????? Least romantic thing ever. Or I am just jealous because my eyes do not take after a soft drink.

One on one date with Kirk. Both wearing plaid, natch. Okay, I am a convert. He is just a nice, good decent guy. And although I never like blonds, the freezing Icelandic climes seems to be good for preventing any more sunburns and that I can get behind.

Also the downtown part of Reykjavik consists of about ten storefronts so I am pretty sure I have been in that cafe.

Why is Frank always so good and patient with Kasey and trying to talk him off a figurative/literal ledge? I think it’s a bit two-faced.

Now is when Kasey, referring to himself in the third person, tells us he is a dreamer and a believer…and that the physical pain of his love for Ali is nothing, he likes feeling it. I am shocked he is into pain.

Rappelling into a cave with full body suits, helmets, darkness and headlamps = worst group date ever. It was so not helpful for husband selection purposes that Ali was forced to prefer the only one with horse riding experience. Because that will come in handy in San Fran.

The Blue Lagoon is awesome. As was Ali’s striptease into her bikini. Soft porn, yeah!

I noticed when she and Ty were together in the water, Ali busted out her baby voice. Then when she was with Cape Cod Chris L they just did a staccato series of kiss pecks. That has me nervous.

Frank is in an emotional disaster at this point. But honestly, that just makes me miss Weatherman. No one does on-the-verge emotional breakdown like Weatherman. ABC’s loss.

Now the 2 on 1 date. Of course ABC puts those two yahoos together.

Why is Wrestler being annoying? Why does he smirk so much all the time? Why was it medically okay to saw his cast off?

Kasey… I HATE WHEN MEN WEAR BURBERRY SCARVES – My husband said Kasey  should get kicked off for it. And I agree. That’s why we’re married. This whole segment I could only focus on that asinine scarf. It’s Iceland for godsakes. Either wear Polartec or dead animal.

More Kasey quotes:

  • “My tattoo symbolizes everything I stand for” (including his 11 bros)
  • “hurts my heart”
  • “guard and protect Ali’s heart”

Ali is the woman. She is deathly afraid of flying but not flying over an erupting volcano.

Wrestler likened Ali to a championship belt held up in the air. I wish he had gotten the boot. (Such a good pun!!!!!)

Why was Kasey sniffing so much while he was telling Ali he promised he would guard and protect her heart so he got a tattoo? Ali’s face is priceless at this moment. And her crazy fake eyelashes while sitting on a glacier.

When Ali put her face down that was funny. She looked like one of the South Park guys – which is the one with no face?

My mom says: I don’t know why the tattoo didn’t work.

Mom is a funny lady.

I am perplexed that Justin said “there were actually two roses given. One to Justin and one to Rated R.” Is he the new Wes?

Cocktail party

Frank told Ali her being smart is one of the most attractive things about her and that totally redeems Frank. It made me realize guys never say that on this show.

Craig R had to give a speech to how many thousands at his law school graduation? But then he drew a fake tattoo. That was funny.

Too awkward with Chris N and liking Mexican food and leaning in for the awkward hug. I wish they would just speed up the rose ceremony because we all know the ending.

Now is my ultimate pet peeve. Ali tells Roberto she would never approach him out in the world because he is too hot for her. Is that a turn on? When someone tells you they are beneath your station? Horrible. I hate that she did that. I can’t even make a joke because it makes me so mad.

Why did Chris Harrison all of the sudden want to be an armchair psych and tell Ali she is afraid to fall in love?

Least dramatic rose ceremony ever. Yawn.

Ali then ends the show with the word “supposably” and the wrong emphasis/pronunciation on the syllables in “Istanbul”. We were laughing that she kept also saying Istanbul, Turkey. Cause, ya know, surely there is another Istanbul somewhere you don’t want to confuse it with.

Who gets confronted next week? I was trying to tell who the figure was in the coming attractions.

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