bachelorette recap: Guard and Protect this recap

In New York…

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of…

I wish Alicia Keys and Jay-Z were here right about now. Because they are wise. And so I would ask them a very probing question:

Who the hell is that Ryan Sutter (Chris N) dude with the mullet, and why won’t ABC let him speak??

And now we begin.

A good idea every time.

I will give Ali props for some things. One is that she feigned a bit of excitement when guy told her she would be in InStyle magazine like it was some kind of gift from the gods. She was nice and didn’t shove her People and US Weekly covers from the other week in his face.

Why is Kirk still so sunburnt? I know he is such a nice guy but his pink hue is distracting the hell out of me. I have always been weirded out when you can’t see where skin ends and lips begin.

Kasey from Clovis, CA has never been to NY. What’s the deal with Clovis? Also, I am not surprised he has never been to NY. Wait, I am. It’s a mecca for weirdos.

Among the many bizarre things out of Kasey’s mouth: Ali is a cocoon and a butterfly. Did anyone notice that when they were entering the Natural Museum of History there was a huge sign for a butterfly exhibit. Was anyone else worried he was going to try and envelop her not relenting until she had gone from larvae to pupa?

Drink every time he says “guard and protect [insert person possessive here] heart”

That was awesome that Kasey sang, Ali laughed nervously at him, and he continued. My mom looked up and observed “he’s doing it again”. I actually think I felt more pain at that moment than I have ever experienced watching this franchise all these years ever. I felt sick, ashamed, nervous and had an almost irrepressible desire for flight.

I also decided an empty museum looks really effing boring if you’re not 7 years-old and Ben Stiller is not inside.

Laughing that Frank calls Justin “Wrestler”.

Group Date time

This seems like an unfair group date as the majority of it took place with guys in their seats and no Ali in the vicinity.

My mom says “Roberto is so hot” after his on-stage hip swivel. And I would have too but then Jesse comes out with his singing voice like the hot human specimen he is. No he dit-int. He sings sexy and wants “some acreage and cows…and [his] dogs”. I don’t want cows but I would make out with Jesse.

Roberto is brilliant because he sang to Ali. He also comes off very genuine.

I will miss the Weatherman because he is so entertaining. He called himself a schmuck, a dolt and an idiot this episode. His self-loathing is cute in a young gay Woody Allen sort of way. I have a soft spot for the guy so I feel bad he busted out the gee-tar serenade too late in the game. Plus, he is funny. Let’s be fair. When Kasey went missing, Jonathan said they should put out an Amber Alert.

Roberto is too hot for Ali. I have decided. And what I decide stands. You hear that, Chris Harrison?

I have a crush on Frank. Still. I still love him the best. Wait, I love him the best for ME.

Why does it seem like Craig is on an interview everytime they interact?

Poor Weatherman. You’re supposed to just interrupt someone else’s alone time, not ask for permission.

Kirk wanted Ali to feel better and put her to sleep. As pink as he is, that’s classy.

Chris L thinks his mom was the best person ever. Very genuine in sharing his pain unlike some people on the show who exploit it. Also, in my next life I want a man that brings me chicken soup when I’m sick. Instead I get yelled at for not going to bed early enough.

When Kasey got back from the tat parlor (how awesome that they’re called “parlors”) he kept acting like he didn’t want anyone to know, and yet he had his long sleeves rolled up thereby exposing the bandage unnecessarily. I hate all the liars on this show. Like Rated R Justin going on record calling SOMEONE ELSE who disappeared for the day a fibber. Sigh. These people make me exhausted.

And so every season we need at least one woefully erroneous usage of “literally”. It came this time from multiple people saying that Kasey was literally wearing his heart on his sleeve. If sleeves were made of skin, then yes. (Not counting the skin coat in Silence of the Lambs)

Do NOT question Kasey’s sincerity or his genuine heart or he will have to trudge back to the tattoo PARLOR and get even more stones on the shield. He already got 11 for his “brothers” on the show (nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when disturbed people mistake forced close proximity for best friendship).

Also, I feel like my (also) favorite candy is ruined forever: Sour Patch Kids.

Why would you let Jesse go? Why? Speaking of candy… mmmmm.

The internets recappers love Chris L. I do too. In fact, I hope Ali chooses him. Then more Frank left for Yael.

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