bachelorette recap: a journey of wrong reasons

I got to watch the show tonight with moms!! She is in London visiting and it was awesome to have her ask, in person this time, who every person on the show was every time they stepped into screen. My mother rules. She keeps calling Roberto Ricardo or Pedro.

And now we’re off-

I was so distracted the first twenty minutes of the show with how sunburned all the men are. I mean, I know they’re bored all day and in LA, but why no pressure to apply SPF like us ladies get? No warnings about premature aging and sun damage. And worse, they all looked like shiny boiled lobsters. Dislike.

So then Roberto’s one-on-one. As soon as the helicopter came into view, I fell asleep. NO MORE HELICOPTERS. PLEASE! And everyone knows Ali has a fear of flying. Blah blah yawn blah ugh. So don’t make the poor girl fly. And she kept saying things like “he cuddled me and made me feel safe…reminded me of why I gave him the first impression rose.” Because there is a guy that WOULDN’T do that? I would love to see that date. The guy that gives her the big W with his hands and tells her not to cross her demarcation line in the seat. And then they did some dumb tightrope stunt which was boring and lacked the life or death fireworks of when Jake and Vienna fell in love while bungee jumping. Plus I felt like I was watching Survivor or the Amazing Race. And for a moment wished I was.

But there is undeniable chemistry between the two of them. When he said to her “I hope to watch a lot more of [sunsets] with you”, I didn’t want to throw up. I actually believed him. But then goofy Ali had to go and say “I don’t think you know how good looking you are.” Hmmm, he was a professional baseball player who is hot. I bet he has no idea.

So then there is a group date with the Barenaked Ladies. Can someone confirm if that actually became their music video? Ali’s running at the end of “Run Away” looked like jogging not running with emotion. Yuck-o.

At this point in the show my husband looks up from his work, wearing headphones because he hates the show so much, and yells (you know how you talk louder in headphones) “SHE’S NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE.”

I still really like Frank. I have a crush. But he is trying to chip away at it. Like when he said the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies song were “so relevant”. Ugh. Or when at the cocktail party he said, “Are we all going to be able to cope?” Me, yes. You Frank, not sure.

What do we all think about how Ali dances? I am undecided leaning towards thinking she is not half bad.



Ohhhhh, Weatherman. I just don’t know what to do with him.

I used to think he was so cute and funny and unique and perfectly short. Why does he get so freaking nervous at a point in every group date?? This is a man who is on tv for a living. He was physically shaking. There is no way around the fact that this guy just has no game. And his non-game is not even charming. He is a not-hot mess. The fakeouts on the kissing were just gross.

Here are some other terrible things:

(1) he started crying in front of a bunch of guys. Holy, that is such a violation of David’s man code from 17 seasons ago

(2) Weatherman said it felt like a rocket ship blowing up emotionally

(3) I now have decided he’s just too little for this show

(4) At the ‘wrap party’, he whispered “can I have a real first kiss” which is problematic because

(a) he asked, and

(b) he always whispers and thinks it stays hush hush. Again, he is a weatherman on tv. Is he confused about how mics strapped to your body work?

Kirk. I just don’t get it yet. They made out in bed during the video shoot and made out lots later in the hot tub. He seems vanilla to me. But vanilla with a way-too-sunburnt face. Plus, I’ve never actually seen them have a conversation.

Chris L from Cape Cod who loves his dead mom. He just seems like the epitome of a stand-up guy. Even though I don’t think they will end up together. I am not going to lie- I was impressed he got second place at Flip Cup in Vegas.

Did anyone else think Ali’s orange print bikini was ugly?

So Justin. Here’s my thing and I need some help here. I actually like him, think he’s cute, think he loves his grandma and think he likes Ali. I think that walking with his gimpy leg to see her and show her family pictures was creative and proved that he wants her and not just to sunbathe a lot. But then of course he is the villain of the show. And there must be something to the intense vitriol all the men feel about him. Justin just ruined all his cred with me and my mom when he came back to the house and kept overemphasizing “I would never walk to the house…I have never been to the house.” What’s the point of that? And then he got so super-competitive and hyper when Hunter got the boot.

Why did Ali look so disheveled on Hunter’s date. In general, she looks disheveled a lot. I am not sure if it grates at me or is a welcome change from overcoiffed Bachettes from seasons past.

Hunter was awkwardly silent in the hot tub.

Justin cried in front of another hot tub.

Why don’t I have a hot tub?

Ali compared Justin to Vienna (her arch nemesis) but then kept him for the last rose and yell-whispered “thanks for having my back” or something. So now I am confused about her Vienna analogy.

It was cute Steve set up a little picnic at the cocktail party. But oooh, buh bye anyway.

I used to love Ty. So cute and Southern, like a gentle giant. But then he randomly became tattletaler and leader of the angry mob after Justin Rater R’s head. I kept expecting Ty to brandish a lantern or torch. I would compare him and the rest of the yo-yos to women for their cattiness, but then I don’t want to insult women that way. What is wrong with these men?! How many seasons do you have to watch to know that warning a Bachelor/ette of Enemy No. 1 will do nothing to further your personal ambitions.

Who is the weird silent frowny guy that looks like Pierce Brosnan (according to my mom) or Ryan from the Trista season (according to me)? Oh, it’s Chris N. Whatever.

Kasey called Justin creepy. I guess given the coming attractions, we can file his comment into a drawer called ‘Pot. Kettle. Black.’ for later.

Craig R. the lawyer from Phila who says that he “detects bullshit for a living.” Why are so lawyers so effing pleased with themselves? I apologize for my species. Plus. WHY OT WHY OH WHY DID HE GET A ROSE? I get zero romance vibes between him and Ali and he is a troublemaker. But I like him a little better after this deleted scene.

And let’s end with Weatherman. Did you see his face when he got a rose?! He is like one awkward moment away from exploding like a rocket ship of emotion. I can’t wait until next week when he squeals “A REAL BROADWAY STAGE!!!!” like the gay man he wants so badly to admit he is.


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