bachelorette recap: the right reasons

what Heaven looks like…

20th SEASON!!!!

So much ground to cover. But first, apologies on my delay today. These 2 hour shows are hard to watch before work in the a.m. Especially when I am taking notes.

So let’s begin. In quasi chronological order with inevitable disorganization, I am going to try and make sense of what is always the most difficult episode to analyze. But mostly, share your thoughts! Also, how catty are MEN??!! It’s always so refreshing. It’s as though the ERA was signed into law after all.

I thought it was interesting that in the very beginning of the show, some men were profiled at length (playing with their dogs) and others barely got a second of screen time. I would blame ABC for poorly executed foreshadowing, but it seems the lengthy profiles had nothing to do with longevity on the show, and everything to do with personality. Because it turns out there is a fair lack of it so far.

Ali’s abs shot and then tricking it out with the soccer ball in the opening was awesome. It’s sort of a montage you would expect for a dude so it was refreshing.

Also, we all need to give each other the morale support necessary to get through an entire season of her overeager, frenetic, high volume laugh.

Frank with glasses: I don’t know if I will regret saying this, but he is my favorite. Cute, funny, hipsterish, glasses, big personality… SIGN ME UP. Jumping on the limo was awesome. You know why? Because the limo thing is overplayed and insufferable at this point. I did think it was funny that he mentioned his time in Paris as a screenwriter (uh oh, cliche territory) but failed to mention he now lives with his parents. Score one for Frank. And he reminds me of Mike Stagliano- a perfect specimen of a sweetly spastic human being in every way except for dating DeAnna.

Jay the personal injury lawyer: I feel bad he got sent home. He seemed genuine at least, and certainly genuinely disappointed in himself for not being himself (or something like that). But ABC, tsk tsk tsk for showing him in the opening montage in an empty courtroom pointing at a big piece of demonstrative evidence with a stick. There was no judge I don’t think. Lame-o.

Kyle the outdoorsy hunting fisherman: I am also gutted he was kicked to the curb. First, he actually seemed like he was being himself and it was sort of quirky charming. Who is going to keep him warm on cold ice fishing nights now? Second, clearly he has more personality than most given the amount of screen time he got. Which means, love him or hate him- the show just got a little bit more boring. His lucky fishing hook is now forever damaged goods. I am not kidding that I might have cried a tiny bit when he said it was the first time he ever felt like a failure. Also, isn’t it weird that some people hunt and kill that many animals? Daniel, maybe you can break it down for us. You’re the only guy on here AND the token hunter!

Justin the Rated R (entertainment) wrestler: Um… I don’t know. I actually think the guys pegged him wrong. He seems like a good guy (I don’t get any Wes-like flashbacks) and also HOW MUCH DOES HE LOVE HIS GRANNY? I mean, he and Ali have that in common. They both love their grandmothers more than their parents. And why the cast and crutches? I thought wrestling was fake?

Phil: why are there always so many guys from Chicago? Remind me to move there in my next life at 22. I feel bad his brother died and it’s cool he’s a triathlete but I don’t know, I got nothing.

Weatherman Jonathan: I have a feeling I am in the minority, but I like him. I am a sucker for small-ish funny guys. Yums.

Ty: I am just going to say at the start that the name Ty is probably jinxed in The Bachelor franchise. He has a yellow lab so I am guessing Becky/Rebecca is in favor of him ;). Finally, a divorced man (that is not Jason). I like that he said, “kids are one of the top priorities for me.” One of? Good luck with that.

Chris L whose mom died and he moved back to the Cape: seems nice- not sure what else I gathered.

Roberto: What’s his ethnicity? What’s the tattoo? He’s kind of sneaky smoking hot and also seems nice. I am waiting for the catch seeing as he is 26 years-old and lives in Charleston, SC. I don’t know how much you all know about Charleston in your 20s, but it’s sort of like Neverland (not the Michael Jackson one, the J.M. Barrie one). There is no way that guy is looking for a wifey. Which means, yet again, a first impression rose is wasted. But I thought it was sweet he was talking at one point about how happy and in love his parents are. I can’t even think of a joke.

Then a bunch of guys I don’t remember.

How about Ali’s sparkly butt rose on her dress?

Some of the highlights of the limo-exit-Ali-intros:

  • saying Ali wore cowboy boots during the similar scene last season
  • “You’re hot”
  • the unoriginal fact that two guys gave her roses
  • “I have to go to the restroom”
  • The leaf that landed on her hair for a bit was pleasantly unscripted (or maybe not?)
  • BACK FLIP?
  • “I can’t wait to meet you” (um??)

Kirk: Ahhhh Kirk. You know what? I will defend Kirk right now. To the grave! There is nothing wrong with making a girl a scrapbook where one page says “Be Ridiculous” and then to belabor the point by actually explaining that it’s important to sometimes be ridiculous in life. He was being himself and one day he is going to find the perfect girt for him that is not all caught up in gender stereotypes.

Kasey: I am guessing from the highlights from the season at the end of the show that Kasey’s personality eventually lives up to his VERY SCARY FREAKY CRIPY/CREEPY VOICE. Do you think it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you are born with a scary voice you have to scare people? Contemplate. Also, all he ever wants to talk about is how he wants to protect Ali’s heart. Because he might stab it?

He’s also the guy that within one minute explained that he is ‘just the kind of guy that opens doors for women” (NEXT) and that his parents divorced when he was young and his “dad cheated on my mom” (CHECK PLEASE). I bet his dad is psyched he got thrown under the ABC bus.

Shooter: Five bucks Chris Harrison is going to make that a hilarious anecdotal moment during the Men Tall All episode. Snooooze. So I will only bring it up once. Why would you think premature ejaculation is funny? This lady has babies on the brain and yer gonna mess wit dat!!

Some guy and a yellow keychain and telling Ali some guys are not there for the right reasons. Mmkay. Even though tattletales get the kiss of death on this show.

Craig M the bouffant hair guy looks like a mean, ugly version of McDreamy on GA. Why are these boys so 7th grade? I almost miss crazy David from Jillian’s season. At least he threatened murder and not this pansy zinger stuff.

Jesse the Box Maker from Peculiar, MO has the sexiest voice of all time. Sex.Y. He and Kasey are like at opposite ends of the voice spectrum. Giving me nightmares vs. making me want to sit on your lap.

Who is that ABC staffer that carried in the Non-Rejection Rose? Every season there is a quick sighting of a burly man in a flat cap. Oh ABC, such a sense of humor, you!

Ali said before the RC, “If you don’t get a rose, it’s not personal.” Actually it’s the very epitome of personal. Such a smartypants, that one. These were some of the names she called out:

Chris H

Chris N

Chris L

Craig M

Craig R

Derrick

Derek

John C

John N

Jonathan

Ty

Tyler M

Tyler V

And so there is only one conclusion: Parents of America need to branch out a bit on baby boy names.

Is the silhouette thing of The Bachelorette new?

The Barenaked Ladies need to die with dignity.

Hospital?

Brawls?

Someone with a girlfriend?

Bawling in Tahiti?

THIS SEASON LOOKS AWESOME.

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